Betrayal
by claire svu fan
Summary: Character rape. Rated for obvious reasons; there may be more 'rated' stuff later. I've noticed there isn't much written on unforgivables between characters, so...
1. Chapter 1

Warning: CHARACTER RAPE! I have no rights to any of this and I probably have no right to write this but I was inspired…

---

Darkness and silence, silence and fear, fear and pain, pain and terror, terror and… Betrayal.

It's hot. My body feels like it's burning but at the same time it feels so cold. The night air is cool but made stale against my bare burning flesh as our bodies mesh, emanating heat.

Sweat and perspiration covers me, serving only to make my skin sticky and disgusting.

I'm so dirty.

The gravel beneath me scratching my back as the air force uniform shirt, pushed up around my arms itches in irritation. I want to pull it down so badly but it constricts my arms. I can not move.

His weight on my legs is painful; his knees pinning them spread apart with my pants pushed down around my ankles and boots.

His hot breath tickles my neck giving me chills as I close my sore tired eyes. Salty tears drizzled down my cheeks and soaking my hair, blending with the sweat.

My cheeks are bruising under the force of his hand cupping over my mouth, silencing me.

His grip on my wrists, just as strong.

He is heavy on top of me. He is trying to be, using his weight to hold me as he penetrates the raw flesh.

He thrusts inside me with animal enthusiasm, caring nothing about the pain resulting from un-aroused flesh tearing.

I close my eyes, trying to imagine that this is different; that this is romantic and that I am receptive.

That this isn't rape.

Maybe then it won't hurt. Maybe then I won't hate him. Maybe then this could be forgivable.

I open my eyes as his grip over my mouth loosens. He is distracted as he builds towards his end. I look up at his face, swallowing back the emotion and gag reflex over this betrayal. I don't scream for help, instead trying to reach him. I try to look into his eyes. Try to plead for some form of mercy to this relentless abuse.

But his eyes are closed. He can't look at me. He is ashamed.

His hand slips from my face as he grasps my shoulder, pulling himself deeper inside me. Thrusting faster and burning the tender flesh, tearing more of it. Blood clotting with the friction and air. I can't stand this.

I turn my face closer to his, lifting my lips beside his ear as he is distracted.

"Please" I plead, choking on my words as I gasp at a sharp pain inside me "stop!" I almost scream in agony. This only brings him back to his mistake.

I can feel his hand moving down from my shoulder, traveling over my breasts as he grasps it and then shifts his hand up to my neck.

I panic. I know he is going to silence me once again. This is my only hope

"No! Don't please! Oh god stop this please!" I beg as I feel his hand covering my mouth. I roll my head away from his hand in panic, drawing closer to his ear.

"I'm begging you, please" I whisper in his ear as he struggles to grasp my jaw

"Jack please don't do this"

----

The chapters to follow are what happened in the days before hand and the days after.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: I'm soooo sorry I didn't update straight away, what a cliffhanger. Could I be anymore torturous…?

I'm sorry; my heart just hasn't been into writing these past few weeks.

Oh and did I say the days that drew up to It.? I meant day.

Shh I just mean that this is the day of the 'indiscretion'

…

"Great day" Jack O'Neill spoke aloud in a cheery tone as he pulled on his leather Jacket and glanced in the mirror. He normally didn't care about his appearance, choosing comfort fabrics over neat lines; he might as well when he was only going to change into his uniform as soon as he got to work. But today was different.

He wasn't over dressed or particularly 'neat' but he'd worn jeans instead of pants, a tighter shirt than he was used to and his favorite jacket that won all the looks.

Nothing special about today, SG1had a mission… that and for the first and possibly only time a certain major had requested a favor. She'd pulled apart her engine in an attempt to repair her own car, only to find it needed a replacement part that had to be sent away for.

Normally she would have just taken the motorcycle but Siler had it, for reasons she refused to divulge to him. Daniel had spent the night at the base, Janet as a first had the day off and Teal'c was still offworld, so this just left him.

Though the thought would never cross Jacks mind that this wasn't a coincidence, as far as he knew people just didn't meddle with things like his relationship with his 2IC on.

It equally didn't occur to him that he'd picked an outfit that looked determined to draw attention.

Once satisfied that he had everything and there was absolutely nothing left for him to procrastinate with, he moved towards the door. He seemed pleased with himself as he closed the door, before the phone rang.

He hesitated, he wanted to go, he'd gotten this far… but what if it was Carter.

He grumbled as he ran back to the phone before the mystery caller hung up.

"O'Neill" he spoke in a vague attempt at greeting. He was puzzled by the reply.

He recognized the voice but couldn't fathom why they would be calling. But after a long pause the reason became horrifically clear.

"How?" he choked as he stood rigid holding the receiver in place.

"I bet she did" he muttered in disdain as he tightly gripped the kitchen bench.

"No I … I know, I didn't mean… look I'm sorry but I…" he sighed in frustration as he listened to a distraught lecture " look I'm sorry but I really have to go, I'll see you at the funeral" he barked before hanging up. He instantly regretted it, hesitating in thought about calling back before deciding against it.

He sighed, leaning against the kitchen bench in thought as he tried to overcome this blow.

After a long moment, he ignored whatever it was he was feeling and left.

…

Sam opened the door before Jack even knocked, she looked excited.

He took in what she was wearing and didn't bother hiding the lingering gaze at the delicate embroidery just barely covering the cleavage that the short sleeved sweetheart cardigan exposed.

She was even wearing a skirt to match.

He almost smiled when she failed to hide her blushing cheeks, but instead just turned towards his car muttering words of lateness.

Sam stared at him in frustration. She hadn't expected much but he could have done something.

Light chitchat would have been nice, possibly a joke or two. But no, all she got today was an inappropriate look and an order. She followed none the less, locking the door behind her. She thought about checking the mail before they left but he was already waiting in the car.

With a heavy exhale she climbed in, buckled and waited for him to start the car.

Nothing.

He seemed to just be sitting there, she'd thought he might have been waiting for a car to pass them so he could avoid an accident but the road was vacant, as was his expression.

He had that stoic look that she'd seen before and it almost ruined the appeal of the way he looked today.

"Something up sir?" she asked without thinking that it was the first thing she'd said. He didn't say anything, just tilted his head so it almost looked like a nod but then started the car.

…

Daniel looked at his watch as he felt his stomach growling at him. It was twelve already, this was curious. He'd expected Jack to come annoy him by now. He rubbed his eyes, book marked his page and stood up intent on finding out why, that and he was hungry.

Sam walked in just as he was about to walk out.

"Oh hi" he smiled in greeting, she grinned and pulled a tight lipped smile briefly before handing him a small rose pin.

"Happy Valentines Day…for the other day" she replied as she pinned it to his chest.

"Thanks, you know you didn't have to get me anything"

"I know but you didn't get anything and I felt bad that I'd forgotten. That and it gave me a reason to leave the lab other than hunger" she smiled and he frowned. He had a curious look that told her of his thoughts that this was suspect.

"What?" she played innocence

"Nothing, I was actually just going to get something to eat" he spoke as he watched her, still holding the look.

"Good then you can come eat with me" she smiled, stuffing her hands in her pockets nervously

"Not eating with Jack?" he asked not caring to hide the grin at that

"Uh I don't think Colonel O'Neill's in a very chatty mood today" she offered as explanation and he raised his eyebrows.

"Did something happen this morning?" he inquired and she sighed

"He didn't say anything" it came out in a spew of words. Daniel looked at her expectantly but she didn't pick up on the look.

"And? I don't know what that means Sam, he's always quiet"

"True, you're probably right, it just seemed like something was wrong" she sighed as they started walking in the general direction of the cafeteria.

"Hmm, well he hasn't tried to bug me yet" he shrugged "maybe he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed"

"You think?" she asked and Daniel smiled

"I don't know but I know someone who can find out" she looked at him expectantly "Teal'c is due back at three"

"And if that doesn't work we can always ask him on the mission tonight"

…

Teal'c stood waiting patiently at Jacks quarters. The door was open but Teal'c wasn't one to be intrusive.

"What do you want?" Jack called as he bounced a baseball off the wall, it didn't really bounce but rather thudded against the wall and fell back with just enough force to reach him from where he lay on the bed.

"Daniel Jackson requested I see you" Teal'c replied as he entered

"What's that?" he asked pointing to the roses in Teal'cs arms.

"I believe they are called roses O'Neill"

"I know that, what are you doing with them?" he asked sitting up

"They are for you O'Neill" he explained handing them to him

"You brought me roses?" he stared wide eyed.

"Roses are the customary gift to give on the day of valentine are they not?"

"Yes but Teal'c…"

"Has this day not recently passed?" He asked and Jack tilted his head "Sergeant Harriman explained this when he requested I bring them to you" Teal'c explained

"Oh so they're not from you" he sighed with relief

"He further explained that the rose is traditionally given by a person who harbors affection for one"

"Right, so who's Walter delivering for?" he asked picking up the card in the roses, it read: Happy Valentines Day, sincerely anonymous. "Carter" he muttered after reading the card.

"The sender was anonymous O'Neill?" Teal'c queried with his usual eyebrow raise

"Come on Teal'c, who else writes sincerely when they're being ambiguous?" he explained but Teal'c remained vague "okay maybe you but you didn't send them now did you?"

"I did not" he tilted his head

"There see, it was Carter. Now what did Danny boy ask you to see me about?" Jack asked propping himself up against the bed post.

"Daniel Jackson believes you are not yourself today, I am equally concerned for your wellbeing as most of your words carry disdain."

"They do?" Jack played but Teal'c held his expression "Daniel hasn't been down here, how would he know?" Teal'cs facial muscles never moved "right, well whatever you've heard big guy, I'm fine" he assured him "you can tell Daniel that if I wanted to have a heart to heart I would have"

"You do not wish to discuss what is disturbing you O'Neill"

"Nope"

…

P3X904 is a ghost planet, Jack had decided. No people, no animals, no FISH!

"This bites!" Jack declared finally, throwing the string to the side "Carter, how much longer is that thing going to take?" he yelled getting up from the waters edge and over to her side.

"I don't know sir, why don't you go bother Daniel?" she sighed as she looked up from the large machine that appeared to have once been the main power supply for this abandoned town.

"he's doing that trance thing where he gets all excited, mutters gibberish for a few hours and then pees his pants over a pattern in dots" she laughed looking up at him "dots Carter, dots!"

"Sir, what do you usually do when we're working?" she asked sitting up

"Search the area with Teal'c" he shrugged "it's just not as much fun when Teal'cs not here"

"Come on sir, I'm sure you don't need Teal'c by your side to do that" she smiled

"I don't, I've done that. There is nothing around here for a three mile radius" he grinned drumming his fingers against his gun.

"Well Teal'c will be coming with us after the next check in tomorrow, he just needs Janet to finish post and pre mission protocol so she can clear him for a second mission. Can you entertain yourself that long sir?" she asked in what could only be described as a tone that talked down to him.

"No Carter I Can't!" Jack snapped definitely not taking her comment lightly. Sam winced, regretting her words.

"Sorry sir, I just… I'm really busy sir" she tried and he grumbled in response

"2 hours Carter, it'll be dark soon and I want you rested to take second watch" he ordered

"Sir I'll be fine, this is a deserted planet any…" she began when he cut her off

"That's an order, Carter!" he snapped

"Yes sir, two hours" she nodded turning her attention back to her work as he walked off in Daniels direction. It wasn't two minutes later before she heard Daniel complaining and Jacks load, grating ordering.

"Yep, something's up"

--- Next Chapter is shift change---

Sorry it's not a thrilling chapter. The next definitely will be.


	3. Chapter 3

"Alright Daniel, that's enough" Jack stated as he approached Daniel inside one of the long tunnels of the town entrance. He was sleepily rubbing his eyes as he paused between writing notes and holding the light up to read the writing on the walls.

"Uhuh Jack, just give me a minute" he muttered as he double checked an engraved marking to a symbol he had previously seen and sketched into the note book.

"No more minutes, it's Carter's shift and I need you to get some sleep so you can take the morning shift" he ordered clapping his hands together.

"I know I just need to get this down so I don't lose my place" he explained as he sketched the miniscule difference between the two symbols.

"Chop chop, you're already over tired" he rushed him and Daniel groaned at him for it.

"Jack, why can't you be reasonable?" Daniel asked as he placed a marker next to the point he was stopping at and placed his book down.

"I'm reasonable, I gave you an extra hour didn't I" he grinned and Daniel rolled his eyes as Jack steered him out of the tunnel and over to their camp. Daniel stumbled over to his sleeping bag and lay down heavily, exhaustion overtaking him. As soon as Jack was content that he was sleeping, he approached Sam.

He would have just woken her and then gone to his own sleeping post but there was something about the look of her that kept him from waking her. He briefly looked over his shoulder to check on Daniel, who was now fast asleep, and then he sat down beside her. She looked peaceful and somewhat innocent. He'd seen her sleep before and had never really given any thought to how fragile the Major looked in her rest.

His eyes were drawn to her chest, where that morning he'd seen her cleavage delicately masked by the lace of her blouse.

She was a woman.

He'd always known this and had rather liked the way she over compensated to appear stronger so she could mix with the men. Her military bravado helped him accept that the pretty Major was merely his second in command and nothing more. But something about that outfit and the way she was sleeping took him by surprise. Carter was a woman. And in that moment he realized he didn't want to lose her. After this morning he didn't think he could bear losing someone else close to him. Another woman, another love.

He wanted to let her sleep but at the same time he couldn't help but wake her, just to see and hear her reaction. Watch as she groaned and cursed at being woken and all the while he would just grin at his minute accomplishment. He smiled, as he knew that only he got to piss off Samantha Carter and get away with it. Only he, as she was his.

"Carter" he whispered into her ear and watched as her eyelids twitched at the sound.

"Carter" he whispered again, drawing out the word. He smiled as the muscles in her cheek pulled at her lips ever so slightly and revealed a hint of a smile.

"CARTER!" he finally yelled into her ear, making her jolt out of her sleep and switch into her military training. Jack only just avoided the collision of her fist as he jumped up, but he wasn't fazed. He laughed as she realized her situation and relaxed momentarily before the sudden jolt of adrenaline left and she felt the tiredness.

"Sir!" she scowled as she rubbed her eyes

"Sorry Carter, it's your shift" he smiled and she groaned as she kicked her way out of her sleep. I didn't take her long to realize he was watching her as she tied up her bootlaces.

"Sir?" she asked as she pulled her pants leg down over the boot "aren't you going to sleep?"

"Not tired yet" he shrugged as he handed her her weapon "and I wanted to see some more of the town at night, figured you'd be able to tell me what area's actually have lighting"

"Oh, right" she smiled getting up "well I was studying the main power source earlier and found that they actually had a log of all the systems and what systems are still functional. If you'd like I could show you sir" she offered and he smiled

"I would like that very much Carter"

-Far end of town-

"As far as I can tell this is section D of subdivision 4" I explain to the colonel as I open the doors to the large, open roofed laboratory where I can only assume they studied herbology, taxonomy or biology. This room is littered with so many different plantlike and specimens of this world. I can only assume this was where they studied the races and cultures of this planet. Whoever 'they' were.

"This room indicates that the inhabitants of this town where not aware of the different life forms of this planet, or they had only recently started to study the genetic side to the life on this planet before… before this time I suppose. But based on the fact that this tiny portion of the planet is more advanced then the rest of the planet, I'd say they weren't native to the planet" I explain further. He's watching me, staring even but I know he's not listening, I think he tuned out when I tried explaining how the power board worked to collect and analyze atmospheric samples and create an accurate description of the environment and climate for each section of the planet. The scratching of the gravel beneath his feet brings him back to earth or rather back to this planet.

"What'd you say?" he asks shaking his head and looking down at his feet. I laugh at this and walk over to one of the plants. It's some kind of fern with a stalk in the centre that holds up a blooming bud. I'd seen the plant earlier that day and it had only just started to open. Now the plant was in near full bloom, showing vibrant blue petals opening around a seed like fruit that had a lush red skin.

"It's beautiful isn't it" I mutter as I study the plant but behind me comes no reply and so I turn away from the plant. O'Neill has this look on his face that I can't decipher, he's pondering something but at the same time he seems to be disturbed and filled with hatred, aggressive even.

"What's wrong sir?" I ask and he looks away from me suddenly.

"I'm fine" he mutters in response

"Is it Charlie?" the words just come out, I don't know why I said it, I just felt a need to know.

"Leave it Carter" he warns looking up at me sharply

"Sir, you're not fine. Does this have to do with Charlie?" I ask, I can't help myself

"What did you say?" his attention has been snapped towards me and I can see a fierceness in his eyes. My better judgement tells me to leave it alone but the curiosity drives me.

"Your son, he died" I clarify and he steps closer with a look of determination in his eyes.

"I know that Major, what did you say about him?" he snaps, the anger in his voice is almost frightening

"I didn't mean to… sir it's just you're not yourself and I was wondering if this time of the year had any significance around your son's death" I explain as I match his step. Unconsciously signifying that I want to help whilst not going so close as to invade his space.

"Myself? How do you know who I am Carter?" he asks gripping his gun and coming closer, he halves the space between us quickly with the anger set in his features "I'll tell you who I am Major. I am your superior officer, your commanding officer. What you know is what I tell you and you have no rite to question my life, my family and my emotional state" he yells, the hostility heavy on his breath "I tell you what to do Carter! You listen to me! And you damn well better follow your orders!"

"Yes sir but…" I try but he is beyond reaching

"But what Major?" he asks closing so much space that there is barely a foot between us

"I am your second in command sir. It is my duty to follow your orders at all times unless you are no longer in a state where you are mentally, physically or emotionally capable of giving them" I snap back, my reaction is breaching on insubordination but I need to bring him back to reason.

"You're out of line Carter" he snaps, in the corner of my eye I can see him take the safety off his weapon. This has gotten out of control.

"Sir…"

"WHAT!" he yells, the sound is disturbing

"Sir, put the safety back on" I warn as I grip my firearm. He sees me do this and oddly he closes the space between us. His breath is hot. I can feel it against my cheek sending a shiver down my back.

"What are you gonna do about it?" his tone is lower and his voice deep, almost suggestive. He leans in closer and I can feel my chest constricting my lungs as my heartbeat quickens. He pauses on the brink of his lips touching mine. My mind is racing, how did this change so quickly. We can't. I want to tell him to step back but I can't speak.

"Major" he whispers finally before he presses his lips firmly against mine. The kiss is urgent, needy and forceful. It takes me a moment to get my head wrapped around what is happening but as I go to push him back, he takes my hand in his own as he pushes my weapon out of my grip. The firearm drops to the ground with his and I wince expecting it to fire. It doesn't.

Suddenly I feel his other hand sliding up the back of my shirt. At this I break the kiss, pulling my head back and looking him in the eyes.

"Sir, we…"

"Shh" he silences me with a finger over my lips as he grips my waist, lifting me off my feet and lowering me to the ground. This is wrong; it's against regulations. I can feel his lips kissing my neck as he takes off my belt and loosens my pants, the sensation sending a surge through me. But we can't do this.

"Stop it Colonel, we can't" I tell him as I bring my hands up to his chest to push him off of me.

"Yes we can," he says as he grips my wrists and pushes my hands above my head. I can't help but laugh at this.

"Come on Sir, this is against regulations" I say laughing but he ignores me and with his free hand he lifts my shirt up over my breast.

"I mean it sir, we could be court marshaled" I say sternly as he unclasps my bra and pushes it up with the shirt. The shirt tightens around my arms pinning them in place. The air is cold against my naked chest. My breasts are exposed. He's my CO. I can't do this.

"Sir stop" I say urgently as I push up with my hips to push him off but he doesn't budge, only pushes back with more force as he hastily yanks at my pants and underwear, pulling them down and pushing them to my ankles.

"No!" I snap as I try pulling my hands free. The strength of his grip around my wrists scares me and I look at his face.

He isn't smiling, he isn't compassionate. Just lustful and determined as he frees himself from his pants

"Sir!" I yell writhing beneath him "Don't!" I beg, trying to roll out of his grip. We have to slow down. We can't do this. What's happening? I feel confused, panicked. "Enough!"

"Lay still Carter!" he orders in frustration as he wraps his free arm around my legs, pulling me to his side as he pushes his weight down on me, pinning my legs beneath his.

"No! No no no… sir please." I beg the fear in my voice evident "get off me! This isn't funny, we can't" to this he groans as he raises his free hand up to my mouth.

"Shut up Carter" he orders as he silences me. My breath quickens in panic. He parts my knee's with his, spreading my legs. I can feel his erection digging into my thigh. And then he pulls himself into position.

With a sharp thrust, he forces himself inside me. I cry out with the pain. In a futile attempt, I buck my legs wistfully as I whimper. The sounds smothered by his grip across my mouth.

When he finally looks up to my face, he sees tears of fear, pain and betrayal.

And then he looks away in guilt.


	4. Chapter 4

"Jack please don't do this" I'd whispered in his ear. And now he isn't moving.

Collapsed on top of me, he is breathless. And then suddenly, he is crying.

He hadn't finished, I know that for certain but I doubt he could have finished.

He may have been driven before but I think somehow, I have managed to reach him. I have managed to get him to think clearly.

"Sir…" I should say something but I don't know what to think. He doesn't speak either.

I feel my wrists tingle as he lets go and then he climbs off of me.

As he pulls his pants up, I dress my self. I self consciously turn away from him as he watches me. He's in the wrong, I know he is but I can't help but feel ashamed. And then I hear his feet as he approaches.

"Carter…" his voice trembles as he places his hand on my shoulder. I flinch at the action and then I hear him running. He doesn't leave. He runs to a patch of garden and I close my eyes as I hear the familiar sound of vomiting.

I should say something, but I can't talk to him. He raped me.

I can't forgive that. I can't forgive him. I certainly can't offer my sympathy to him.

So as I cringe at the acidic smell and hear his stomach heaving out its contents, I pick up my gun and his. I put the safety back on his and then I leave. Leave him to his misery as I enter mine.

-

Daniel was disturbed from his sleep by the sound of someone approaching. He opened his eyes and reached for his gun as he sat up. Sleepy and with out glasses, he couldn't see who was approaching.

"Hello?" he called as he picked up his glasses from beside him.

"It's ok Daniel, it's just me" Sam replies, her throat hoarse and her voice trembling.

"Are you ok?" he asks as he puts his glasses on and places the gun beside him.

"I'm fine, go back to sleep" she lied as she sat down on her sleeping bag.

"Is your shift over?" he asked looking at his watch curiously

"Colonel O'Neill's taking over for me" she stated as she placed the weapons down beside her.

"Where is Jack? Isn't that his gun?" Daniel asked climbing out of his sleeping bag.

"Uh he's checking out the tunnels" she muttered as she crossed her arms and dropped her head down, staring at her feet.

"Sam?" Daniel spoke with great concern bearing on his voice.

"Yeah?" she asked with an over empathised high pitch to play innocence.

"Are you sure you're ok?" he asked moving towards her. She froze in a brief state of terror at him moving closer but then shook her head to snap herself out of it. "What's wrong?"

"I'm fine Daniel honestly, why wouldn't I be?" she smiled looking up at him.

"You just seem kind of well…you looked like you'd been crying" Daniel explained and she laughed to cover whatever sadness she must have been showing.

"I'm just tired, Colonel O'Neill's covering for me because I need the rest" she explained. Daniel watched her carefully for a long moment and then decided against pushing the matter.

"Ok, night Sam"

"Good night"

-

"Chevron 5 encoded" an airman whispered under his breathe as Teal'c passed him into the gate room. He was young, obviously new here and Teal'c could see it in his eyes how excited he was about seeing the gate in person. Teal'c smiled at how something that had become trivial to him could mean so much to another. As he approached the ramp geared up and ready to go, he straightened his face into its usual stoic professionalism. The wormhole soon established and the room became lit up with the fantastic blue of the event horizon.

"SG1 is waiting for you on the other side Teal'c" Walter called from the control room just before the radio cracked.

"Hey Walter, Hammond wouldn't happen to be there would he?" Jack asked leaning over the malp and talking into the camera and microphone.

"He is" Hammond responded looking at the screen.

"Uh we have a minor altercation on the mission sir" Jack pulled a tight lipped smile

"What's the problem?" George asked with an unimpressed look

"Carter's sick sir"

-

sorry it's a short chapter…i hope to update soon.


	5. Chapter 5

"Ok Sam open up" Janet instructed as she approached Sam intent on beginning the examination. Sam frowned as she sat on the infirmary bed watching the clock.

"I'm fine Janet, I'm just tired" she insisted "I've been overdoing it; I haven't been sleeping properly so I'm fatigued. I just need some sleep"

"That's fine but I still need to do the post mission examination" Janet explained as she flicked her pen light on. Sam rolled her eyes and opened her mouth. Whilst Janet examined her throat, heart rate, temperature and blood pressure; Sam stared into a distant thought. This was so ridiculous. She wasn't tired, true she hadn't been getting enough sleep but there was no reason she couldn't perform. She needed to study the technology on that planet and she shouldn't let this conflict get in the way of her work. She's been on many, many missions with the colonel before and he'd never done this before. He wasn't going to do it again, was he?

"You have some bruising around your mouth and wrists Sam" Janet spoke, breaking Sam from her train of thought.

"Huh?" she asked looking at her wrists. Janet was right; there were deep bruises on both wrists. There was one large one wrapped around her left wrist on the underside and then four nearly symmetrical bruises on the top of the right arm. If Sam put her wrists together, it would be clear that they were the impressions of a strong grip.

"You wouldn't be able to tell me how you got them would you?" Janet asked crossing her arms and frowning at Sam. She closed her eyes in a sigh and then looked back up at Janet.

"I can't remember, I probably got them whilst sleeping" Sam offered.

"Is there anything else you may have forgotten?" Janet asked as she wrote on Sam's chart

"What do you mean?" Sam asked a little more concerned than she should have been.

"Uh" Janet paused, taking in the worried expression that had passed over Sam's face. "well the goa'uld have memory altering technology Sam, I have to rule out any possibility that you may have been compromised by the goa'uld, it's routine post mission protocol" she explained and paused watching Sam with a creased brow "is there something you aren't telling me?" she asked tentatively. Sam shook her head and sighed.

"I really am fine Janet, I'm just tired" Sam assured her

"Ok, well do you have any other injuries? Any other pain?"

"Nope" Sam stated getting off the gurney but Janet stopped her

"Sam, I'm not finished examining you. You could have gotten those bruises from a fall and have a life threatening head injury that's blocking out the memory for all I know" Janet told her in a stern voice but Sam just rolled her eyes.

"Janet I'm fine, trust me. I'm just tired and I need to organize the data I got from the planet for my replacement whilst I'm absent." Sam explained "Can I go?"

Janet watched her reluctantly but sighed in agreement.

"You can go on the condition that you report any and all pains, headaches, breathing difficulties, unusual discolorations, loss of appetite, dizziness, nausea…"

"I'll keep you posted"

--

Daniel hadn't been very focused on what he was doing. He'd tried to keep his mind on understanding the dialect used on the wall. It was odd how everything technological on this planet was a completely different language to the writing on the architecture. Everything technological was far too advanced in comparison to the living environment. It was almost as if too different colonies with different stages of evolution lived in the same place in harmony. There was no evidence of war or unjust treatment. Everything he'd been able to translate was neutral.

"I don't get it!" Daniel snapped finally, Jack had been watching Daniel become more and more puzzled and laughed when Daniel finally threw his note book at the wall.

"Shut up Jack, you're not helping. If anything you're distracting me" Daniel snapped at him as he stormed out of the tunnel he was in. Jack just watched him pass him.

"What's wrong with Sam?" Daniel suddenly asked, stopping in his tracks twelve feet ahead of Jack.

"What?" Jack asked the grin on his face dropping with his eyes as he looked at his feet very determinedly.

"She was fine yesterday, but then she came back in the middle of her shift last night needing you to take over. Sam never asks for help at work unless it is not possible for her to complete the task without assistance. She's proud and she sure as hell doesn't tell her commanding officer she's too tired to keep watch." Daniel snapped

"Calm down Daniel, you're yelling" Jack told him

"Why would Sam ask for leave over fatigue?" Daniel asked sternly, ignoring Jack's statement.

"Daniel, she's sick" Jack spoke as he stood up "she didn't feel well enough to complete the mission so I set her home" Jack explained, as if daring Daniel to counter the statement. And counter it he did.

"Give me a break Jack!" Daniel exclaimed "something happened last night, something that disturbed her enough to take your weapon away from you"

Jack stood in the middle of the tunnel in a momentary lapse of judgment; he didn't really know what to say. Obviously he couldn't tell him what he'd done. Daniel would never understand it and he'd never forgive him, he himself couldn't even understand why or what he'd done. He couldn't forgive himself. He just wished it had been a dream. Had it? Had he really done that?

"What did you do?" Daniel asked finally stepping closer.

"I pulled my gun on her" Jack panicked

"What?" Daniels facial expression was nothing short of disbelief

"She'd been talking about the technology and I hadn't been listening and then she'd just suddenly started talking about Charlie, I don't know why but I snapped. Kind of like what you're doing now." Jack explained and Daniel's mouth opened to speak but then closed in thought.

"No, but Sam would understand, she'd talk sense into you" Daniel muttered "unless…" he paused again

"Unless what?" Jack asked impatiently

"You didn't shoot her did you?"

"What! No!" Jack exclaimed "I'm not stupid"

"Well..." Daniel smiled

"Ha ha very funny" Jack rolled his eyes "I didn't shoot her, she pulled her weapon on me and tried talking me out of making a stupid mistake"

"Well it is stupid" Daniel commented and Jack exhaled heavily with frustration

"Look Daniel, she's overworked. What happened was I pulled my weapon on her, I shouldn't have but I did. She took my weapon from me and returned to camp." Jack explained trying to ignore the guilt from the lie and the remorse "she's been killing her self over her work so I sent her home." Jack said sternly "If anyone needs a break it's Carter"

"Ok" was all Daniel said in response and Jack nodded walking passed him and back to the camp.

--

Sam's house was empty, as always. The sound of the door clicking shut behind her echoed in her empty house. There was a stale quiet to her house that told of solitude. It was rare that she should come home to her house expecting…or rather hoping there'd be someone there to greet her. Anything was better than silence to heighten her thoughts.

She figured she'd start slowly. She had time on her hands and there was no need to rush.

She hung her coat on the rack and took her shoes off at the door before turning the heater on. She placed the work she'd brought home on her office desk as she passed while she moved to her bedroom. In her room she laid her bag down on the bed and pulled her sweater off, ignoring the chill of the cold room. She unpacked her things as she worked her way around the house, turning on power. She didn't have any mail as everything was usually forwarded to her work and she'd only been gone a day. There was just one message on her machine and it was from Daniel. Daniel had sent her a message the day before, probably just after Colonel O'Neill had picked her up for work. Daniel had rambled in the message, he'd been calling to remind her to bring some notes he'd asked her to look over for him, the second half of the message was him explaining that 'it didn't really matter since you're probably already on your way'.

And then after that there was silence.

Sam had nothing to do. She could watch television but she didn't really feel like watching anything, she didn't want to work either. She walked into the kitchen and pondered what she'd make for dinner but as per usual her fridge was lacking.

Sitting down on the kitchen stool she pondered calling Hammond and telling him she felt better but she knew he wouldn't take her seriously.

She could call Janet. But Janet didn't get off for a few more hours.

This was ridiculous. It wasn't coming back from a mission early, or lying to get time off, it wasn't even avoiding her work because it was basically just a mission report she didn't want to have to word carefully. This silence, this nothingness was ridiculous. She had nothing to do.

'_Carter, you're overworked I want you to go home and get some rest'_

The words had just popped into her head. Perhaps it had been a suggestion. Perhaps she'd thought of it as a suggestion, she did need rest.

'_Sir I'm fine, if you're worried I'm going to let… let what you did get in the way of my work, I won't.'_

She'd been so stubborn and hateful. He'd deserved it but it wasn't like her. It was O'Neill for crying out loud. Her thoughts circled in her head as she made her way back to her room, phone in hand. How'd this happen? He wasn't supposed to be like this, he was supposed to be the nice guy.

'_look Carter I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me and I know it's not enough to say that I'm sorry, what I did was wrong. No one has the right to do that…'_

'_Sir, can I get back to work or not?'_

He'd been apologizing and she'd blocked it, she'd been resentful when she should have been listening and she'd been 'listening' when she should have kept to herself.

'_I'm taking you off this mission Major; you've become unwell and are no longer able to complete your work. Go home and get some rest Carter, that's an order'_

'_What about you sir? Shouldn't you need recovery time too?'_

'_I'm not the victim here Carter'_

The victim! That's what he's reduced me to!

He's the one that needs time to think, time to think about what he's done. If anything I need to be as distracted as possible. Sam threw her clothing in the basket in her frustration and turned the bath on.

It hadn't meant to be like that, he'd been lustful and cheeky at first. He hadn't intended to take it that far, had he?

These thoughts continued to rise as she watched the bath fill. When it was about half filled she climbed in, easing into the warmth. It felt nice to feel weightless and relaxed as the water filled around her.

Taking this time off wasn't such a bad idea. She needed the break from work; a little leisure wouldn't kill her. She rested her head against the edge sliding into the water so that her body was completely submersed and only her head stayed out. Taking in the soothing effects of the water, she felt herself drifting into sleep.

'_Psst Carter, wake up'_

Her eyes flew open as she looked around. She could have sworn she'd heard that as if it'd been spoken to her.

'_Sir, I was asleep'_

'_We need to talk… about last night'_

'_Sir, I'm sleeping'_

She'd rolled over ignoring him. Closing her eyes, Carter sighed over the weight of these thoughts.

'_We shouldn't have…'_

'_WE didn't do anything!'_

'_Carter…'_

'_I'm tired sir, leave me alone'_

She was tired, her eyelids were heavy and she could feel the nodding of her head as she sunk deeper into the filling water, drifting into sleep.

-


	6. Chapter 6

My office seems barer than usual, quiet and without purpose. And yet I am here, doing nothing. Being nobody, just being.

"Hey Carter, do you want to catch a movie after you finish work?" Colonel O'Neill's voice asks from behind me. I turn to see him standing by the door with his hands open and a friendly smile across his face.

"Sir?" I ask confused and he frowns at me

"Why can't we see a movie together carter? It's not like there's anything to stop us" I frown at that.

"But sir, we can't… sir you can't expect me to forget…"

"Forget what carter?" he asks coming closer, the space between us closes too quickly and my chest seizes up in panic "forget that I raped you?"

The words come out as a malicious chuckle and suddenly I'm thrown on the ground, my hands are above my head and my body is exposed once again. Gravel is beneath me and above me is the dome roof of that greenhouse back on the planet.

"Shut up Carter" he orders as he silences me, his hand covering my mouth. My breath quickens in panic. He parts my knee's with his, spreading my legs. I can feel his erection digging into my thigh once again. And then he pulls himself into position.

With a sharp thrust, he forces himself inside me and again I cry out with the pain.

But instead of a scream escaping my lungs, fluid rushes in. I'm choking.

My eyes fly open as I convulse. My lungs gasping for air, being cut off by the fluid I have inhaled. Immediately I realize I am still in my bathroom. And now I am choking as my body violently jerks and coughs, trying to force the fluid from my lungs.

"Sam?" I hear a voice coming from my bedroom but I don't care. My chest and throat burns as the water is forced up. "Sam!" Janet gasps as she enters the bathroom. The overflowing bath water has pooled on the floor.

Janet immediately dives to assist but I wave her off as I cough out the last of the water that had invaded my lungs.

"It's –cough- just water" I explain and she nods as I regain composure and reach behind me to turn the running tap off. Janet hands me a towel to cover up.

"Are you ok?" she asks as she leans against the sink. I nod as I pull the plug from the bath tub and let the water drain. If it hadn't been for the drain in the centre of the bathroom floor I would have had to deal with a flooded room.

"What happened?" she asked finally as I stood up and climbed out of the bath with the towel wrapped around me.

"I uh, think I fell asleep" I pulled a tight embarrassed smile. Janet frowned at me and went to say something but she hesitated.

Her eyes honed in on my thighs as I held the towel in place and I could see the creases in her brow forming as she bit her lip in thought.

"Sam?" she asked leaning down and touching my thigh.

"They're just bruises Janet" I assured her, avoiding the situation by walking out into the bedroom.

"I can see they're bruises Sam, where'd you get all these bruises?" Janet asked sternly, following me into the room. I picked up my dressing gown and pulled it on as I let the towel drop.

"I don't remember" I lied once again. And she let out a deep sigh of frustration.

"Sam what's going on? I know you enough to know that you wouldn't lie to me unless it was absolutely necessary, so why are you lying to me now?" Janet argued, sitting down on the bed. I looked at her briefly, hesitating on my words. I wanted to tell her but I couldn't bring the words up. I couldn't put this against Jack's name. He was normally a good man. Jack O'Neill isn't a rapist.

"It is necessary" I muttered in response as I lent against my wardrobe.

"Military or personal?" she asked holding a stern look.

"Something like that" I replied and she let out a strange laugh

"Which one?" she asked crossing her arms

"A bit of both actually" I told her and she nodded patting the bed beside her. I looked at her hand on the bed and paused in hesitation. Something about that gesture to come to the bed made me nervous. There was no meaning behind the gesture, she wanted to comfort me for whatever problem it was I couldn't talk about. But I was afraid because I couldn't get the image of Jacks guilt ridden face out of my head. Janet looked at me looking at her hand and frowned.

"Sam?" she asked concerned and I shook my head and smiled but she persisted "you're not fine, what happened Sam? I understand that this is probably confidential and you can't tell anyone for fear of it getting out but I should hope that I'm your friend Sam and I have clearance for just about all there is to do with the stargate. You know me Sam, you can trust me. Right now the only thing on my mind is your wellbeing and it pretty clear whatever it is, it's bad." I listened to her argument and sighed, I could feel tears welling up as the emotion began overwhelming me.

"What is it?" she asked finally patting the bed again. This time I didn't freeze up, I instead moved towards the bed and sat beside her. She shifted on the bed placing a comforting hand over mine as she grasped it and waited for me to speak.

"I do remember" I confessed and she nodded "I wasn't in any accident, he uh…" I paused unable to speak. Janet had tightened her grip around my hand. I looked up at her face and saw the shock and confusion. She knew.

"He?" she asked, her voice soft within thought. I nodded and she responded by stroking my hand.

"Who?" she asked more forcefully. I shook my head, I couldn't tell her that.

"I was raped" I confessed finally, she dropped her head as she heard the words and I could see the sadness hit her. Her concern for me was probably stronger then my own, but I should have expected that. Janet is a doctor and a friend. I am both the patient and the loved one and she probably couldn't help but feel as though she'd let me down. Because there was no way she could have avoided it. And then she brought her arm around me, hugging me close to her as she stroked my hand.

"You don't want to tell me who did it?" she asked and I sighed

"Who do you think?" I said almost bitterly.

"A native?" she asked, strangely she seemed almost hopeful. I suppose it would be easier to hear that her friend was raped by a perfect stranger then a close friend and college.

"The planet was abandoned" I explained shaking my head. An air of awkwardness past over the room as the grave truth sat resonating above us.

"I don't know how it happened, he couldn't sleep and I had first watch. We were just going through the cities logged sections, I was showing him the botany facilities and... He was angry. I tried to ask him why and he snapped. Next thing I knew we were at each others throats and he was trying to undress me." I explained. Janet was squeezing my hand tightly. I could tell this hurt her.

"He was so lustful; I never knew he could be so possessive. We're supposed to be friends. I trusted him!" I could feel bile rising. I too now was angry, not saddened by the thought of it. Just mad.

"It's ok, I'll have SG1 recalled from the mission" Janet stated getting up from the bed. "This could just be a viral contagion" she offered in thought. I laughed through teary eyes at this.

"Janet, I was raped! That's not a viral contagion, that's a betrayal of morality" I snapped, Janet looked at me with this strange confused gaze.

"Sam, we've seen it before. The virus we encountered when we first started interplanetary exploration should be proof alone that there are alien substances that have powerful effects on behavior. It may just be that this was a simple injustice against you, but I'd like too see first if there is any chance this can be explained." Janet had convicting power in her voice. She was startled by this knowledge, scared even.

"Sam, please? I just want to get to the bottom of this, and I need your co-operation in order to do that" Janet asked crossing her arms in front of her.

I nodded.


	7. Chapter 7

"So what's this all about?" Daniel asked Janet as she closed the curtain around the bed where he sat perched, anxiously awaiting the examination. She didn't look up at him, instead just wheeled her tray of instruments over to his side as she pulled on a fresh pair of gloves.

"Janet?" Daniel asked in response to her lack of one. She looked up holding a stern look and trying to remain impartial.

"Open your mouth" was all she said as she picked up her penlight. Daniel frowned at her and crossed his arms.

"Why have we been recalled from the mission?" he persisted. The lines of frustration and worry were evident on Janet's features.

"I need to check for any signs of an alien contagion" she replied gripping the penlight tightly. Daniel watched this and frowned before looking down at the tray. Amongst the usual supplies, he could see a few new ones that caught his interest. There was a specimen jar, several vials to draw blood, cotton swabs with individual containment covers, several plastic bags and a shot of morphine.

"Just the regular check up?" he asked eyeing the morphine suspiciously. Daniel had been surprised when Janet had actually nodded in response. He let out a laugh and raised his eyebrow at her.

"Janet, you're going all out for a 'regular check up' don't you think? I mean seriously, a morphine shot? The term overkill comes to mind" Daniel joked but Janet didn't see the humor in it.

"Daniel, I need to run some tests to see if you've contracted an alien virus while on the mission." She said warningly "The morphine is just a precaution" she assured him "if you co-operate, I won't have to use it" she added with a slight smile.

"I thought Sam was just tired? Has she caught something? Is she alright?" Daniel asked connecting the dots

"Daniel?" she pleaded, instructing him to open his mouth. He rolled his eyes but obeyed.

Janet was quick during the examination, Daniel noticed. He also noticed she seemed nervous. When he'd stood up and started loosening his pants so she could give him a standard injection, she'd jumped back and he could have sworn she'd gone to grab the morphine shot in panic.

"Ok, I need you to go give me a sample now" she said finally as she picked up the specimen jar and handed it to him.

"Of what?" he asked as he accepted the container.

"Hmm?" she asked distracted with labeling the vials

"What do you need a specimen of? Urine? Faeces? Semen?" he asked impatiently

"Oh, urine" she replied and he nodded as he went to walk to the bathroom. She turned to him curiously first. "Why would I need a semen specimen?"

He paused and looked at her with a frustrated blank look.

"You tell me, you're the doctor" he shrugged and then turned towards the bathroom

When Daniel returned, Janet had most of the equipment and supplies packed up and she was sitting on the bed idly with her a chart on her lap and a pen ready to take notes.

"Here" Daniel spoke as he placed the specimen container on the tray and then stuffed his hands in his pockets in a typical Jack fashion.

"I need to ask you a few questions" she told him as she drummed her fingers anxiously against the chart.

"I need, I need, I need… can't you explain anything to me?" he complained as he sat on the bed next to her. At this she stood up.

"I know this is frustrating Daniel but I just need… I have to see if an alien virus has affected you in anyway." She told him as she folded her arms around the chart.

"How sick is Sam?" Daniel asked crossing his arms as well

"She's fine, I ran the same tests on her and she's perfectly healthy, she's feeling a little fatigued and has raised levels of glucocorticoids, glucagons, epinephrine and norepinephrine" Janet explained while Daniel just blinked.

"Uh…" he joked

"Stress hormones" Janet explained and he nodded "but it's all pretty normal considering…" she trailed off a little and glanced down at her chart.

"Considering what?" Daniel persisted as usual but Janet didn't look like she'd registered the question.

"Have you made any changes to your diet lately?" she asked the first question. Daniel stared at her in frustration.

"No, I've been eating the same old crap the air force feeds us. Considering what?" Daniel asked again in frustration.

"What about off base?" Janet avoided the question

"Define lately, I haven't been off base much lately" he replied still holding the stern look "Considering what Janet?"

"What about on the mission? Did you eat or drink anything on the planet that you didn't bring from earth?" she asked obviously avoiding the question.

"No" he sighed "considering the working situation...? Considering she'd been sick..? Considering she's been pushing herself..?"

"Daniel, she's stressed. It's normal considering she's stressed" Janet snapped "now; have you felt sick or weak at all? Any fatigue or nausea? Ache's or pains? Increased or decreased sexual activity? Behavioral or emotional changes you find unusual?"

"No, I'm fine! Nothings changed since the last check up" Daniel snapped back

"Calm down Daniel" Janet ordered picking up the Morphine

"Tell me what's going on!" he demanded testing her as he stood up and grabbed the arm holding the morphine and held it out to the side as he gripped her collar. Daniel saw panic flicker across her features as she stared up at him. He saw this and his hands shot back as he stepped back from her. "Janet I…"

"You can go now" she told him sternly as she placed the morphine back on the tray.

"Uh…" he stuttered watching her in shock

"We're done Daniel" she ordered, her hands shaking as she tucked them into her lab coat pockets. Daniel reached over to place his hand on her shoulder comfortingly but she pulled back, dropping her head down.

"Just go"

-


	8. Chapter 8

"Ok Colonel, open up" Janet instructed as she picked up her pen light, ready to begin examining Jack as she'd done Daniel. Jack didn't resist, he opened his mouth obediently and waited patiently as Janet began the examination.

Neither said anything during the entire exam baring gestured instructions and directions. This alone should have set alarms off inside Janet's mind.

When did Jack ever co-operate.

Janet had been distracted. She had found she'd been distracted ever since Sam had confessed what she had. But Jack seemed more distant then she. About midway through the examination, Janet decided she'd ask.

"Has General Hammond told you that you need to part take in a psych evaluation?" She asked in a seemingly casual tone of voice as she removed a needle from Jacks arm.

"Yeah" he sighed as he applied pressure to the little cotton ball that replaced the needle.

"No wise cracks?" she asked with a small smile as she sorted through some vials amongst her kit.

"Hmm" was all he said in response, looking down at the cotton pressed beneath his finger and then looking back up at her. Janet new he was studying her briefly and just ignored it.

"How're you coping Doc?" he asked as she changed the cotton ball and taped the fresh ball down over the pin prick of a cut.

"I cope" she stated jokingly with a slight smile.

Sam's head dropped in a sigh. She sat in the observation room above the isolation room where the examination was taking place. Janet had decided to examine each of the men in separate areas. Sam wasn't sure why, but concluded that it was purely a precaution. Under normal circumstances, both men would have been examined at the same time in the infirmary by one of Janet's nurses and herself.

But this wasn't a normal circumstance.

Sam lifted her head up to watch again, she hadn't seen Daniel's exam for respect of his privacy and a simple lack of motivation. Technically she shouldn't be seeing Jacks either. She felt compelled to watch out of curiosity.

Janet was handing Jack a specimen jar when she looked up again. He accepted it and left without hesitation. Once Jack left the room, Janet seemingly turned to write notes.

"Still there?" Janet's voice crackled through the speaker and Sam looked down at her surprised. She hesitated a moment, hoping Janet wasn't talking to her and just thinking out loud. A moment later and Janet looked over her shoulder and up at the glass, she had a reassuring smile as she looked up. For a second Sam had thought that the glass wasn't two way and that Janet was actually looking at her, but soon realized that Janet's line of site was a fraction off target. She sighed and reluctantly pressed her finger against the speaker button.

"How'd you know?" she asked and then sat back in her chair awaiting the reply. Janet grinned and tapped her nose but then turned from the glass as she heard Jack approach. He'd come in a fraction too early and had caught her look. He glanced up at the glass briefly and then back at Janet.

"Lipstick on straight, Doc" he smiled as he placed the jar on the tray.

"Thank you Colonel, that'll be all" she smiled in reply gesturing for him to go. He nodded as he moved towards the door, glancing up at the glass once more before disappearing.

Sam sat completely still as she thought over the complications that might arise from this but shook her head before standing up and moving towards the exit. Just as she neared the door, the handle turned. It was only a fraction, probably a hand resting on the handle in hesitation.

She was frozen in place, a chill flooding though her. She looked into the isolation room to see Janet still writing on a chart. She hesitated no longer and ducked under the desk in panic. It was a pathetic hiding place but it was all she had.

The door opened.

She sat with her legs balled up against her as she hugged her knees trying to take up as little space as possible. It was rather pointless as all he needed to do was glance down under and she would be seen.

She could hear his heavy boots as she took his first step into the room. She had become acutely aware that her pulse was racing, her palms sweating and her breath quickening.

"Carter" he spoke and she jumped at the sound of his voice. This was so ridiculous, she felt like a child again, hiding from her angry father after setting a bicarb and vinegar film canister rocket off in the kitchen.

"Major, I know you're…"she froze knowing he was kneeling down and could see her. She knew she was shaking, her limbs trembling uncontrollably as she held her breath.

Jack saw her hugging herself in utter trepidation and stopped.

There was a long silence and then he walked out, she flinched at the force of the door slamming behind him and then closed her eyes dropping her head down to her knees as she felt tears flooding her eyes.

"Doesn't mean I can't handle anything you can" a murmur escaped her.


	9. Chapter 9

"Lord, help me, I'm just not that bright." The familiar voice of Homer Simpson sounds through the speakers on Jack's television.

"Oh, Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right." Marge's voice replies

"Yeah? Yeah!" Homer agrees before kissing his wife as they lay in bed "Honey, can we make up again?"

"Oh, my goodness." Comes Marge's response before the screen fades to Black and the credits roll.

Jack sighs as the credits scroll across his television playing the same familiar Simpson's melody. He picks up the remote beside him and stops the VHS before replacing the remote control with the half filled Guinness beside him and bringing the bottle to his mouth, swallowing back the remainder of the beer. The bottle is then placed down beside another empty bottle.

Time off is never really as exciting as it should be.

After a drawn out moment of contemplation, he stands up intent on finding another beer. 'Just one more' he thinks as he moves towards the fridge. But as he is walking the short distance between his lounge and his kitchen, he passes his telephone.

He stops mid stride upon spotting the phone as the thought that comes to mind is the last conversation he had made over that phone.

'I'll see you at the funeral' he had said and that was all. He had left that poor distraught man, scared and enraged.

Jack lifts up the receiver and begins dialing. But he hesitates on the last number. Jacks finger hovers millimeters above the button as he thinks. Sighing, he hangs up, only to pick the receiver back up and dial the only other number he can think to call.

The phone rings and he waits, leaning against the kitchen bench with his body turned away from the phone so he can't change his mind and just hang up.

The phone continues to ring unanswered.

Jack can feel his palms sweating as he waits for someone to pick up and after a while he hears the clicking of someone picking up the phone.

"Carter" he says instantly and then listens for a reply. Over the line a labored breathe can be heard before the sadly too familiar sound of the phone being hung up.

Jack huffs in frustration as he places the phone down and then picks it up once again, this time dialing a number he uses more frequently. The phone rings three times before it is answered.

"Daniel Jackson" Daniel yawns into the phone as he answers. Jack bites his cheek in hesitation before responding.

"Hey Daniel" he replies with no tone to his voice "uh… What're you doing?"

"Me? Now?.. Um just work, why?" he asks curiously

"Can you be here in fifteen minutes?" Jack asks glancing at his watch. '1600 hours'

"No" Daniel laughs "Jack I'm on the base, it'll take me that long just to get to my car" he explains "Even if I wanted to drop everything I'm doing and race over there right now, assuming 'there' is your house, it would take me at least…"

"Daniel!" Jack snapped cutting him off "Just get here" he ordered before slamming the phone down.

---------------At that same time----------------

"No you can't, by definition nanotechnology is the understanding and control of matter at the realm of 1 to 100 nanometers, you can't just slap the name on and…yes but you don't realize just how small a nanometer is, a piece of paper is about 100,000 nanometers thick…yes I know, see at the nanoscale, matter functions differently from both the individual atomic and macroscopic scales, so some unique properties are available for use in the field… Look it's not hard!"

Daniel hovered at the entrance of Sam's lab listening to her speak on the phone while he waited. She was getting very frustrated and Daniel smiled, remembering this look from so many she'd given to Jack during briefings. She'd never really snapped at Jack about it though.

"Just stop it already! Trust me you've underestimated the… You're an idiot!" she yelled before hanging up the phone.

"Tech trouble?" Daniel asked and she jumped at the sound of his voice.

"Oh hi Daniel, I didn't realize you were there" she smiled as she sat down, placing her palms flat on her desk as she glanced over her desk trying to think what she was doing. She sighed not really caring and turned to him "what can I do for you?"

Daniel smiled and walked over to her side, she unconsciously pushed her chair back and he frowned as he leant on the edge of her desk.

"We had our examinations this morning" he stated as he picked up a pencil that had been chewed so much it looked like someone had tried to sharpen it in a vice. He shrugged and placed the pencil down.

"How did it go?" she asked leaning back in her chair

"Um, not as well as was expected" he chose his words carefully

"Oh?" she asked raising her eyebrows curiously

"Janet's a little on edge… I am too it seems… and apparently so are you" he explained looking down at the floor. Sam stiffened, hopping Janet hadn't told him.

"She said your blood work showed elevated stress hormones. I didn't think that would be very alarming considering where we work… what I don't get is why we needed to be recalled from the mission because of elevated stress" he frowned and Sam smiled weakly.

"Well, stress does play a big role in the way that we conduct ourselves in the field." Sam offered.

"Yes but it was a simple reconnaissance mission, there's no real danger" he sighed in frustration. "Even if the air force was worried about or judgment under stressful conditions, why would Janet be recalling the mission?"

"You've got to remember Daniel that while a certain level of stress is needed to function well, being over stressed can have detrimental effects. From Janet's stand point she's worried about our health. High levels of psychological distress on the body accumulate and can be known to cause cell damage and lead to diseases. Being in an alien environment with a lowered immune system is enough to worry any doctor"

"Fair enough but calling us back because of extra stress is a little extreme don't you agree?" he held eye contact gripping the desk as he awaited the reply.

"Daniel there's probably many factors that contributed to Janet deciding to recall the mission, us being stressed may just have been the tip of the ice berg" she told him as she stood up.

"I suppose" he sighed "Have you been told to see the resident shrink yet?" he asked and she smiled sadly nodding her head.

"Are you going to go?" he asked seriously as he watched her wonder to a corner with her arms folded, she didn't seem to have much of a purpose.

"Uh… I don't know" she sighed "Hammond has ordered a mandatory psych evaluation, for all of us. But I don't think I'll go to any therapy" she explained and Daniel smiled.

"I am" he stated rather out of the blue and she looked at him expectantly. He paused and let his arms fall slack as his shoulders dropped back, as if releasing a wave of tension.

"I don't know what came over me…" he started and Sam frowned as she looked around the room, unconsciously searching out an escape route. "Janet seemed on edge and she wasn't answering any of my questions, I couldn't think straight and I just snapped."

Sam stared at him, feeling her pulse race.

"What did you do?" she asked, her voice trembling as her body did.

"I frightened her, I didn't mean to. I was getting frustrated and she overreacted and grabbed a morphine shot to knock me out and I grabbed her to stop her. I wasn't thinking rationally"

Sam opened her mouth to speak, not really knowing what to say, and her voice choking up in her throat as she searched for something. Daniel looked at her with a hint of confusion but they were both sucked out of the brief moment of hesitation by Sam's phone ringing.

Sam looked at the phone as she froze in thought, between picking it up and going into this further with Daniel. The phone seemed the lesser of two evils.

"You should get that" Daniel suggested after it rang for the third time. She looked back up at him startled and after a brief thought she nodded. Daniel watched her looking at the phone as it rang and frowned.

"Did you want me to…" he gestured but she shook her head before stepping over and answering it.

She froze, breathing deeply before placing the phone straight back down.

"Who was that?" Daniel asked with his eyebrows raised

"I don't know, I just missed them" she lied looking up with a slight smile "I'm sure if it was important, they'd call back"

"Ok" he smiled and then held a glance "Janet won't talk to me, um could you…" he paused holding a steady gaze. Again they were disturbed but this time by Daniel's mobile phone. He pulled a tight lipped smile and pulled the phone out of his pocket.

"Daniel Jackson" he yawned

"Me? Now?.. um just work, why?" he asked in a curious tone looking up at Sam

"No" Daniel laughed "Jack I'm on the base, it'll take me that long just to get to my car" he explained as Sam watched him, unconsciously clenching her hands in fists as she crossed her arms over her chest, creating a barrier

"Even if I wanted to drop everything I'm doing and race over there right now, assuming 'there' is your house, it would take me at least…" he sighed as Jack cut him off and grimaced at the loud grating voice over the line before sighing as Jack hung up. He ended the call and then stuffed his phone into his pocket before looking back up apologetically.

"I'll uh, catch up with you later" he offered and she nodded as he turned and left.


	10. Chapter 10

Daniel pulled into Jack's driveway and parked, turning off his car and taking a moment to check that he hadn't left any of the notes he needed at the base. After checking that it was all there, he tucked his work back into his overnight bag and placed it on the back seat before climbing out. He made his way to the front door briskly and cleared his throat as he knocked.

"Hello" he called as he knocked and then glanced in through the glass upon not getting a reply "Jack, you better be home" he called as he tried the handle and found it open.

Frowning, he looked up and down the hall. He thought to try the obvious lounge room first. As he glanced in he saw the television stopped on the credits of something by Matt Groening and a small collection of empty beer bottles sitting on the coffee table.

A low grumble escaped his lips as he turned and moved towards the bedroom. Inside he found Jack sprawled out over his bed, belly up and a photo frame lying next to him. He recognized the picture as one of Jack and Sarah with Charlie before Charlie had died.

"Jack" Daniel spoke pushing his hands in his pockets as he stood in the doorway.

"Yes Daniel?" Jack asked with out moving. He looked as though he was recovering from being shot with a zat.

"What're you doing?" he asked crossing his arms and leaning against the door frame

"Lying down" Jack replied in a somber tone. Daniel let out an exaggerated groan as he pushed off the door frame and slowly walked into the room. As he reached the edge of the bed he looked over Jacks solemn features and picked up the photo frame.

"You feel like telling me what's wrong? Or are you just going to lay there?" he asked looking at the photo and trying not to just assume this was about Charlie. Jack turned his head and looked at Daniel very seriously.

"Carter hates me doesn't she?" he asked holding the look as Daniel frowned and dropped his head.

"Um she hasn't said anything to me, about you pulling your weapon I mean" he admitted "But she does seem a little on edge, and Janet says she has higher stress levels"

"Daniel" Jack groaned at the response

"What do you want me to tell you Jack? It's Sam! You should know better then anyone that she'll get over it. I mean Christ Jack, you waved a gun and now you're acting like we just lost the war to the Goa'uld!" Daniel snapped, he knew he was loosing his temper again but he was getting fed up with being left out of the loop. "Anyone would think someone had died the way everyone's acting"

"Everyone?" Jack asked sitting up and Daniel gave him a critical look

"Not everyone but at least you, Sam and Janet" he stated and Jack nodded as Daniel waited impatiently with his arms crossed. "Want to let me in?" Daniel demanded, throwing his arms to his side in frustration. Jack dropped his head sighing as he griped his hands together. He looked up at Daniel, seeing the picture in his hand and inhaled deeply.

"Sarah's dead" he admitted and Daniels features dropped, instantly regretting his previous statement.

"Oh…" was all he managed to say and Jack pulled a grave tight lipped smile

"My father-in… her father" he corrected himself "Called before we went on the mission, she ran a red light and was hit by a mini-van at an intersection." He explained "she was drunk"

"Jack I…" he started, moving towards Jack but Jack shrugged him off

"I'm alright Daniel" he told him as he stood up "It's not me I'm worried about"

Daniel frowned looking at him expectantly.

"Sam?" he asked and Jack nodded so that it was just barely noticeable as he stood up from the bed. "Does she know?" Daniel asked as Jack started walking out into the kitchen.

"Nope" Jack replied and Daniel's brow creased that little bit more

"Wait, you didn't shoot her right?" Daniel asked and Jack groaned "I know sorry, not appropriate"

"Want a beer?" Jack asked opening the fridge. Daniel stood in the entrance to the kitchen staring at Jack.

"Why are you worried about Sam?" Daniel demanded while Jack rolled his eyes.

"Am I not allowed to be worried about how my second in command is dealing with me pointing a gun in her face?" Jack criticized as he pulled out two bottles.

"Right" Daniel rolled his eyes obviously as Jack passed him a bottle "you know you could just apologize"

"I've tried, I don't think Carter's going to listen anytime soon" he explained and Daniel stared at him with his eyebrow raised.

"Jack" Daniel looked at him with an 'are you serious' look "you're her commanding officer" he told him, dragging out the title. Jack frowned at Daniel as he popped the beer top off.

"What am I supposed to do, threaten insubordination charges?"

Daniel at this point placed his unopened bottle down on the bench and crossed his arms towards Jack as Jack began gulping down the drink.

"This isn't about you pulling your weapon is it?" he asked, sounding as thought he had just had an epiphany.

"What?" Jack asked with an obvious look of confusion.

"It's not about Sarah either" Daniel added as he placed one hand down on the bench, leaning into Jack with a convicting stance.

"Daniel?" Jack asked warily as he placed his beer down.

"Sam's not tired is she?" Daniels eyes bore into Jacks as he studied him "or stressed"

"Daniel, Janet said…"

"Jack, what happened?" Daniel demanded stepping closer, he seemed enraged.

"I pulled my…" Jack started with the story again.

"The truth!" Daniel snapped cutting Jack off. Jack stepped back at the force of Daniels tone. He held a warning glance in what felt like a stand off between the two. "Sam was crying when she came back to the camp that night. She's the strongest woman I know and somehow you scared her enough for her to take your weapon from you and return in tears!"

"She's only human Daniel" Jack rebutted but Daniel didn't waver.

"Give me a break Jack! Sam's afraid _now_" Daniel told him "She was backing away from me today, and I'm willing to bet Janet knows because she was treating me like a convicted felon during the exam!" Daniel seemed to be ranting as he connected dots in his head. Jack was consciously searching out escape routes now. He couldn't tell Daniel, not in this state. The situation was getting out of hand.

"Daniel, calm down" Jack ordered as he moved back a fraction.

"Tell me what you did!" Daniel demanded stepping closer to him with a threatening stance.

Jack reacted like any military man would; he hit him.

One swift jab to the gut to take Daniel down and as Daniel collapsed to his knees from the pain and force, Jack gripped Daniel's arms behind his back and lifted him to his feet. Daniel groaned as Jack took him into the lounge room and sat him down on one of the large sofa chairs and then sat across the room.

"Sorry about that Daniel, but you were getting out of control" Jack offered as he leant back in his chair.

"You hit me!" Daniel whined as he started to regain composure

"You would've hit me" Jack countered and Daniel glared up at him

"I wouldn't" Daniel swore

"Would to"

"Jack" Daniel frowned and Jack sighed in response. The two of them sat in silence on opposite sides of the room, each thinking what to do. They were both out of control and they knew it.

"Are you ok?" Jack asked after a long pause. Daniel nodded looking up at him.

"I'll live" Daniel smiled while Jack looked down at his hands again, drawing out the silence. "I don't suppose you feel like telling me what happened?" Daniel tried with a smile pulled in place.

"Why are you being so insistent?" Jack turned it around and Daniel rolled his eyes.

"She's my friend Jack" Daniel told him honestly

"Why not ask her then?" Jack asked dropping his hands in his lap and leaning forward.

"I guess I'd figured I'd have better luck with you" he shrugged and Jack let out a laugh at that. "That and I got the feeling I made her uncomfortable"

Jack inhaled deeply "what about Doc?"

Daniel shook his head "I tried during the exam but that didn't end well"

"Yeah?" Jack asked curiously as Daniel bit his lip in hesitation.

"I think I over reacted" he admitted "She was on edge and I pushed her too far. I scared her, I think, and she told me to leave"

"Are you going to apologize?" Jack asked as he played with a tattered end on his chair.

"Are you?" Daniel looked up at him expectantly. Jack let out a labored breathe and then dropped his head in his hands.

"I don't know how" he admitted, his voice was hoarse under the stress his mind seemed to be battling with.

"How about sorry?" Daniel smiled and Jack laughed "Sorry Sam, I was out of line and I should never have waved my gun in your face" Daniel smiled knowing it wasn't the truth.

"Somehow I don't think that'll do it" Jack looked up making eye contact

"You know I might be able to help if you told me what…"

"Leave it Daniel" Jack warned "believe me, if I could have told you, I would have by now"

Daniel nodded and sat in contemplation for a while "When's the funeral?"

It took Jack a moment to register the conversation shift but he replied promptly

"Next Saturday"

"Are you going?"

"Yeah" Jack nodded as he stood up and moved towards the phone.

"Who are you calling?" Daniel asked standing up and idly following him. Jack just tapped his nose as he waited for someone to answer. The phone was answered quickly.

"Oh hi doc, whatcha up to?" he smiled as he leant against the bench "well that's a bore, when does your shift finish?" Daniel smiled shaking his head as he listened. "Oh cool, did you want to swing by after work?" Daniel frowned at him at this listening intently "Sure we'll make a thing of it, bring Carter" both of Daniels eyebrows spiked at that as he crossed his arms "Alright see you then doc"

"Uh…" Daniel stared at Jack as he hung up the phone.

"What? I'm resolving the issue" Jack shrugged "well yours anyway"


	11. Chapter 11

_I_ raped her.

I _raped_ her.

I raped _her_.

She's sitting across from me now, staring down at her feet. She's been like that for a while now. She's probably thinking the same thing.

How could I.

I was there, and so was she, but yet it doesn't seem real. It wasn't us, it wasn't me. I dreamt it. A nightmare we both shared. I see her sitting there and I can't get the picture out of my head, the picture of her naked beneath me, pleading for me to stop. I can't remember being in control but that's no excuse. It was me. It didn't seem so wrong at first. She was laughing, it was fun. But I…

It wasn't fun.

I started and I couldn't stop. Even when she was crying, pleading, near screaming.

I'm trying to find the turning point, where it changed so suddenly from us finally satisfying our lust to me taking what I needed, with no regard.

It was surreal.

It is surreal.

I didn't know, but then I did. I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. I wasn't me.

I was a rapist, out of control and ruthless.

"Jack It's your turn" Daniel broke the train of thought with the monotone reminder and indicated towards the Simpson's Monopoly game on the coffee table. Sam seemed to be shaken from her thoughts at the same time. She assessed what was going on and then placed her beer down. She'd barely touched it.

"Excuse me" she muttered her exit as she stood and swiftly walked down to the bathroom, disappearing inside it.

Daniel watched as Sam hurried down the hall to the bathroom and then turned to Jack with a frown. Jack took in this look and dropped his head. He knew they needed to sort this out …somehow.

Jack picked up the dice and rolled, not bothering to look at the board as he pulled his beer to his lips and sat back, expecting Daniel to move his player for him. Daniel counted out the spots and paused as his finger stopped on the 'go to jail' square. Jack looked down and smiled at the irony.

"Who's next?" Jack asked placing his beer down beside Sam's and then frowned in realization. "Carter's" he commented. Janet looked up from where she had been sorting out her properties to watch Daniel. She'd been doing this for most of the game; keeping herself secluded from conversation by keeping busy sorting through her property and money. There were two advantages to this, one she had a strategic advantage as she was the only one focusing on the game, two this allowed her to watch Daniel carefully without making it obvious. The only disadvantage was that Janet didn't seem to pick up on the intense tension between Jack and Sam.

"Jack, she's been in there for a while" Daniel casually hinted playing that he was bored of waiting for her to return and make her move. Jack shot a warning look at Daniel but Daniel returned it by gesturing to Janet. This clearly explained that Daniel wanted to be alone with Janet so he could apologize properly. Jack probably would have just nodded and left immediately, had he not been so overcome with anxiety about going to that bathroom.

Janet looked up suddenly realizing that Jack would be leaving and she and Daniel would be alone.

"Uh, anyone want coffee?" Janet offered standing up, intent on busying herself in the kitchen. Jack watched her leave and looked at Daniel who was staring at him with this look that asked 'why the hell are you still sitting there' or 'go talk to her for crying out loud'. Jack rolled his eyes and sighed pushing off his chair and moving towards the bathroom.

As soon as Sam had that door closed, she sat down on the lid of the toilet collapsing the tension that had been building. She let out a deep breath and let the wave of emotion sweep over her. This was so screwed up.

She sat there in thought for sometime, remembering that night. She'd been thinking about it constantly lately, despite her efforts to take her mind off of it. But tonight it seemed impossibly eminent and every time she saw Jack looking at her, she couldn't help but feel anxiety bubbling inside her.

She'd always felt something stirring inside her when she looked at him but that had changed now. He had betrayed her and whether it was because of an alien influence or not, she didn't care. She'd been hurt more than she'd ever been before by the man she cared so deeply for and every inch of her body ached with the pain of that truth.

She'd come in here with the hope of calming her nerves and the raw emotion building inside her but it seemed this just allowed her to let it out while no one was around.

Unable to contain the thoughts, the hurt and the hatred. She started to cry. Softly at first but before long the overwhelming hit of emotion came flooding out and she found herself screaming into a hand towel just to let it all out. The tears flowed uncontrollably as she collapsed to the floor clutching her arms to her torso as if the ache she felt was physical pain inside her.

A knock on the door came.

She'd only barely noticed it at first and had frozen in silence, wishing and hoping it had been in her head but the unknown person knocked again.

"Just a mi'ute" she called becoming very aware at how congested she'd become. It was hard to breathe let alone talk. She whipped her eyes frantically as she stood up.

"Are you decent?" Jack asked looking nervously over to Daniel "I'm coming in" he called turning the handle.

Sam panicked. She thought she'd locked it. Had she thought to? She saw a glimpse of her puffy, red, congested features in the mirror and gasped. Jack opened the door and closed it behind him.

Sam kept her back turned, content in facing away.

-

Janet stood in a corner of Jacks kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil. She'd seen Jack leave and had hastily gone for the kitchen. Daniel had sat in the lounge room for a while but now strolled into the kitchen, playing boredom.

Janet kept her eyes away as she focused her attention on making coffee.

She found this hard enough to believe. She couldn't face him right now. She didn't want to have to fear him but she could already feel the stirring inside her as she swallowed back the anxiety with the images of him… and Sam.

"What do you think is up with Sam?" Daniel asked in a tone too casual to be legitimate curiosity.

"What do you think" Janet hissed under her breathe, breathing out her frustration building inside her.

Daniel frowned watching her; it was obvious she knew more then him. Though it was more apparent that she thought he knew more then her. Daniel smiled at how the two of them had been pushed away. Two friends which they would each confide in and trust with anything. But now it seemed even they were not allowed to be concerned.

Janet turned around and spotted the slight smirk and closed her eyes in disbelief. This wasn't right. Daniel was nice. Daniel was considerate. Daniel was trust worthy. He didn't rape people!

Though it was possible, like anyone who had ever been hurt by someone they loved had faced that 'possible' truth.

"Has she told you anything?" Daniel asked while Janet sighed in exasperation. This entire situation seemed to be wrong.

"Daniel…" she paused looking up at him "…I know"

Daniel let out a low growl. Why was HE the last to know? Why couldn't HE be trusted?

"I suppose she doesn't want you to talk to me at all?" Daniel asked becoming more and more frustrated. Janet looked at the obvious anger in Daniel and promptly slapped him, firmly across his cheek.

Daniel stood stunned, his hand cupping his throbbing flesh as he stared at her with a look of shock and confusion.

"What!" Daniel exclaimed with his eye brows furrowed as he set his gaze with hers in a confused state of horror.

"In all my years working in medicine, I've met a few shady characters. I've come across strange things and been in strange situations but _never_…" she looked away from him as the image flashed before her again. Anger bubbled inside her as she looked up at him in disgust. "You are her _friend_ Daniel. She_ trusts _you. You're supposed to love her and be the one she turns to when this happens not the twisted… character, who does it to her!"

Daniel's hand dropped from his face as his mouth hung open gapingly.

"Janet..." Daniel's voice croaked as a panic raised in him "Janet, what did…" he paused taking in the look of betrayal. He felt a wave of fear take over and as he took a step forward Janet seemed to jump back shakily. A thought struck him, Daniel swallowed with the weight of the thought. It actually made sense. Why Sam had been on edge around him. Why Jack wouldn't talk to Sam. Why Jack was in the state he was when he'd found him this afternoon. He'd thought it wasn't this bad. He'd thought Jack was just depressed and mourning Sarah. He'd thought Sam was on edge because she'd been scared by Jack and had felt betrayed but this… It fit and in its brutality.

Disgust and panic grew.

"Did… Janet, was Sam raped?" Daniel asked holding his breath. Janet frowned in a momentary lapse of confusion before the realization hit.

"Oh god" Janet sucked in a gasp of air "Colonel O'Neill" her eyes darted towards the bathroom door and Daniel understood. They both ran.

"Jack! What the hell's gotten into you!" Daniel slammed his fist against the door. "Open this door!"

-

Meanwhile

"Carter" Jack spoke as he closed the door and unconsciously locked it. Sam shuddered as she heard the door lock, locking them in here; together.

"Sir" she started but her congested, hoarse throat made the simple common word sound strangled. Jack drew in a deep breath looking up at her in surprise. He'd heard it in that word. She'd been crying; A lot.

He looked down in guilt as he let out a drawn out breath.

"Carter I…" his heart pounded as he stood stiff and frozen

"Sir, can I be left alone please?" she asked not caring how tragic her voice sounded.

Jack winced at the sadness in her voice as she tried to collect herself and appear like the strong soldier in front of him. Facing away so he couldn't see her face and speaking slowly to get the words out clearly.

"We need to talk about this" Jack explained his presence as he managed a step forward.

"Sir, please" she asked matching his step as she moved away. Her heart pounding in her ears. Jack paused, his whole demeanor dropping as she moved away in fright. He felt like an ignorant child cornering a bird in a room that it'd gotten trapped in. The child only curious and wanting to help but the bird fearing for it's life, seeing the child as an enemy trying to kill it.

"No" Jack stated, denying the request.

Sam wiped her eyes as best she could as she sucked in a deep breath.

"Fine, I'll leave" she exhaled moving towards the door quickly but Jack slammed his hand against the door holding it closed and cutting her off.

"Sir!" she seemed to growl as she took a step back letting out a long drawn out exhale of breath to try to calm herself.

"Carter we work together…" Jack started but Sam cut him off with a rage filled stare

"Yes! We work together. I'm your second in command. I answer to you. I know that fact and it's hard enough having to stand up to that code in near honesty as it is but there's nothing honest anymore. Nothing sacred. Nothing true. No trust. No comfort. No joy." Sam attacked him in an outburst "we can't talk this over sir. This won't go away. We can't just apologize and hope it will all go away… you raped me" she dropped her head clutching her stomach as if the pain were physical.

"Jack you…" tears overwhelmed her once again as she began hyperventilating and lowered herself to the floor. Jack took this as his cue finally and in a concerned haste, he closed the distance between them and pulled her into his arms. She pulled away in a panic but Jack held a firm grip, holding her pressed against his chest.

"Shh Carter, it's alright. Just calm down. Breathe" She was reluctant but succumbed to the need to be held.

"It's ok Carter, No one's going to hurt you" he whispered softly into her ear with his chin resting on her shoulder and his lips just barely touching her ear as he stroked her arm reassuringly "Just relax" he told her in a lulling tone. "Trust me, this is not going to happen to you again" he assured her as he rocked her gently, swallowing guiltily as he stared into his thoughts of concern.

"I'll never hurt you" he promised kissing the back of her neck gently.

"Never again"

---

I AM SOOOOOOO SORRY-Ducks-  
I should have completed and posted this chapter a LONG time ago. There is NO excused. I just didn't get around to it.  
So many of you have gone out of your way to try and get me to write more.  
Thanks btw ;P  
I hope… hope hope HOPE!  
To get more of this updated soon. A lot more.  
-Fingers crossed-  
With any luck it'll be finished by the end of these holidays.  
Sorry again. You're all so dedicated :)


	12. Chapter 12

"I'll never hurt you" Colonel O'Neill promised kissing the back of my neck. It's a soft tender kiss of reassurance that reflects anguish inside him.

"Never again" he finishes and now he is more distant than before.

It's strangely startling to hear this depth of emotion surface now.

Everything about this is startling.

That he did this. That he seems changed. That I'm crying openly in front of my commanding officer as he cradles me in his arms and swears he'll never rape me again.

That thought seems the most startling, but I believe him.

Because after everything that has happened. After all the betrayal I'd felt. The most disturbing fact to me was that when he'd done that, he wasn't himself. He had been distant and then as if someone had flicked a switch he became aggressive and enraged purely because I had said Charlie's name. And now I feel like it is really him. Not Colonel O'Neill that I worked with everyday and who instructed me and protected me as part of his Job; But Jack. I feel like it is really him holding me in reassurance because in this situation I need to be held in reassurance that this atrocity wouldn't happen again.

Asking if it was Charlie on his mind, wasn't too personal. He's spoken to me about Charlie before and somehow I know that he was drawing on that as a means to expel frustration at a time that was hard for him.

A time… he had been strange all day, not violent or enraged but definitely distant.

"Sir" I speak as I close my hand over his, stopping the hand mid stroke. "What happened to you that day?" I ask squeezing his hand, it's warm and there is a slight tremor in his hand but at the same time it's steady enough to pass for a soldiers hand.

"I don't know" he admits "I've been going through it in my head and I can't explain why I…" he hesitates as anyone would and exhales heavily "Carter I'm sor…" his voice seems even deeper now as he struggles.

"Sir, not that night. That day" I clarify, saving him. He pauses in thought and I smile imagining cogs turning in his brain and then as if on cue he inhales sharply in realization.

"Oh" he exhales, his hot breath tickling the hairs at the back of my neck, sending a wave of goose bumps through me. "I thought you might figure it out sooner or later; best brain we've got" he joked using humour as an emotional crutch. It's strange how I've developed an understanding of this now. Though I know I was probably if not the last, then one of the last to realize this. I've always denied knowing how Colonel O'Neill copes with emotion, probably out of preservation. So many times he's joked in the moments between us that have bordered stretching the boundaries in the command chain.

"I got a call that morning from my…ex father in law" the pause I feel to correct a habit. I realize then that this had nothing to do with Charlie, except that he was the son that he had shared with Sarah. This was about Sarah.

"She's dead" he finished, dropping his head against my shoulder. This is somehow more startling.

I'd expected something along the lines of her remarrying or her being pregnant to another man. I'd not expected death, and I'd not expected him to drop his hands down so they sat on my hips and then wrap them around my stomach, pulling me closer to him as he hugged me to his body.

"Jack! What the hell's gotten into you?" Daniel's loud, angered voice disturbs us as his fist pounds on the door abruptly "Open this door!" he rattles the handle.

I jump at the disruption and let out a sigh.

"Damn it Daniel" Colonel O'Neill curses as he releases his grip around me. "You okay?" he asks, whispering into my ear. I pause in thought as I take that in and then turn to him with a small smile.

"I will be"

"Uh… I'll deal with him" he offers taking in my features and I close my eyes as I remember the redness. I glance in the mirror when I stand up and frown. I turn away from the door as he opens it.

"This better be good Daniel" he growls but Daniel just eyeballs him briefly with a glare in his eyes and tries to push past him.

"Sam?" Daniel asks peering in to see my back turned "Is everything alright?" Daniel asks, his eyes darting between us.

"I'm fine Daniel" I call back, looking down at my feet.

"Jack, can I have a word with you" Daniel asks with a deathly serious look. Colonel O'Neill nods his head after a moments contemplation and indicates for Daniel to follow him down the hall to the bedroom. Janet enters the bathroom.

"Sam?" Janet asks gingerly as she approaches "Are you sure you're alright"

I close my eyes, emotion still raw and painful though I feel much better. I nod my head making a faint mumble of acknowledgment. "What happened?" she asks placing her hands comfortingly on my shoulders. This is probably a reach for her considering her height compared to my own. I shake my head; I can't talk to her now. She makes a soft laugh "somehow Daniel and I have managed to get our facts crossed" she starts in an attempt to ease me into talking. It probably works as this triggers my curiosity.

"Facts crossed?" I ask wondering what they knew or didn't know.

"Yeah, I don't think Daniel knew much at all and I… well I didn't have all my facts straight either." She explains but it doesn't explain anything really. I turn towards her.

"I told you what happened?" I state in confusion and look at her expectantly. Her face falls at the sight of my still very red eyes. She reaches her hand up to my cheek sympathetically and I clasp it in my own and smile before looking to her for the awaited explanation.

"You told me what happened… but you didn't tell me who did it" she explains and I gasp as I realize a confrontation probably occurred between Janet and Daniel.

"Oh" my face goes red and then I pause in confusion "how in the world did you think it was Daniel?"

Janet smiles "Well I'm sorry, from what you described it sounded like Daniel and during the post mission exam he attacked me so it was fair to connect the dots… the wrong dots but still"

"Attacked you?" I ask critically

"He was on edge and overreacted to the precautionary measures I was taking. He grabbed me but I now think that it was more to stop me from tranquilizing him then anything else."

"Right" I nod but it still makes little sense. I suppose it doesn't matter since things seem to be cleared up. "And Daniel?" I ask looking at the door as if it would show me Daniel and the Colonels conversation.

"I think he knew Colonel O'Neill had done something but he didn't know what, or he thought it was something else." She tells me and I sigh rubbing my eyes. I'm tired again. Sleep seems to be occupying my thoughts a lot lately. I'm either exhausted or too on edge to sleep.

"You okay?" Janet asks grabbing my arm as if to support me when I fall.

"Yes, I'm fine I'm just exhausted" ...again... "a lots happened" I explain and she bites her lip in thought.

"So what did you talk about?" she brings us back to the reason why we're standing in the middle of my Commanding Officers bathroom.

"Janet, I know what you're trying to do but I'm fine. Colonel O'Neill and I just got things out and now, we're just going to well take it from there. It's fine really. I'll tell you more later" I promise as I pick up the towel and place it on the basin edge.

"Sam, why later?" Janet asks with concern edging in her voice.

"Because now I just want to go home, and relax" I smile before stepping past and moving into the lounge room to collect my things. Janet follows cautiously and starts packing up the monopoly game.

"Did you want us to go now?" Janet asks with a hesitant look on her face

"Well we came in your car…" I look at her expectantly

"It's just Cassies at her friends' house, I gave her a midnight curfew so I thought I'd pick her up when I dropped you off." Janet explains and I smile. Cassie's such a sweet kid. "Its fine I can make a second trip"

"No, Janet you can stay I'll just get Daniel to give me a lift" I suggest

"No it's fine really; it looks like we're not going to be here for very long anyway." She responds but I hold a slight smile and raise an eyebrow in response.

"Janet there's no point making a second trip, if I can't get Daniel to take me I'll call a cab" I explain as I pick my coat up off the back of one of O'Neill's dinning room chairs and make my way down the hall as I pull my jacket on.

"Are you sure?" Janet asks close behind me. I nod focusing on the path before me that seems to be widening in the darkness. I dip my hand in my jacket pocket once I get it on and then frown.

"Janet, have you seen my mobile?" I ask checking the other pocket. Janet pauses in thought and then turns and heads out the door, presumably to her car. As I near the bedroom I hear Daniel's voice. It's soft and somewhat reassuring like Janet's had been. I stop just shy of the door and listen to the soft spoken words being passed between them.

"You could have told me" Daniel says as I peer in through the crack in the door.

"No I couldn't have Daniel. You would never have understood" Colonel O'Neill sighs, he's sitting down on the bed with his hands in his lap.

"I still don't understand" Daniel puts in as he sits down beside him "This is rape Jack. It's a criminal offence. You've _raped_ a person. And not only have you raped a person, but you've raped _Sam_. I don't think you realize what this has done to you two. She used to love…"

"I know!" O'Neill cuts him off with a warning tone and then runs his hand through his hair "I know what I've done Daniel but I can't change any of it"

"You need to though" Daniel insists "Its Sam…"

"Daniel stop it" he snaps "I know what has to be done. I just don't know how to do it. I wouldn't be surprised if she never spoke to me again" at this I decide to knock, thoughts are racing through my head.

"Come in" Colonel O'Neill calls. I push the door open just enough for me to step in and then look at Colonel O'Neill

"Sir, Can I borrow your phone to call a cab" I ask gesturing behind me. He frowns in confusion.

"Aren't you going home with Doc?" he asks bringing his hands around his sides as if to push off the bed.

"She's leaving later so she can pick Cassie up. I thought I'd go home and get some sleep" I explain as I lean against the door frame looking expectantly.

"Oh, I'll drive you Carter. Daniel you'll be alright to stay here and keep Doc Fraiser company right?" he asks pushing off the bed. I pause rigid against the frame and then unconsciously push off the frame and take a step backwards.

"No sir it's fine I can take a cab…" I panic taking another step away from the door.

"Don't be ridiculous Carter, I know where you live. It's easier this way" he smiles as he steps past me and moves to get his keys.

"Sir you don't have to…" he turns towards me as he pulls his coat on

"Yes I do Carter, what kind of host would I be if I didn't make sure you got home safely" he smiles tossing me the keys

"You drive"


	13. Chapter 13

The drive to Carters house is a quiet one. It's quiet and it's tense; eerie sort of. It's definitely awkward. She's just sitting there in the back seat. Not speaking, not moving, nothing. If it wasn't for the soft echo of breathing I'd swear she was dead.

"Carter… you alright?" I ask breaking the silence as I look at her through the rear vision mirror. I don't know why she declined the drive. She'd said she was tired and just wanted to lay down in the back seat but she's just sitting there.

"Yes sir" she replies still staring out the window at the moon above. She's squished so close to that door, her fingers gripping the handle enough to make her knuckles turn a bright pink. What I'd give to know what she was thinking.

"Do you need a ride to work in the morning?" I ask glancing at the mirror again.

"Janet and I went to your house from mine" she states as she pulls her coat tighter closed. I sigh looking up at the moon.

"What will you be working on tomorrow?" I ask hoping the mention of work will persuade her to discuss some techno gadget she's studying. That always gets her talking.

"I'm not going" she replies simply and I frown

"What could possibly keep Carter from her work?" I ask jokingly hoping for a smile. She pulls her eyes away from the moon and looks up at the rear vision mirror to meet my gaze.

"Mandatory psych evaluation" the words come out icily.

I drop my head focusing on the road.

Minutes pass between us before I pull into a rest stop.

"What are you doing?" She asks in a panic

"Sam…"

"Sir" she cuts me off warning me against dropping the formality.

"It wasn't supposed to be like that!" I react staring at her through the rear vision mirror.

"Sir, just take me home" she demands pushing further back into the seat.

"No Carter I never wanted it to happen like…"

"Sir" she repeats warningly as her breathing escalates

"I don't know why I kept going Carter"

"Sir!" she snaps trying to stop me

"Damn it Carter I…"

"Sir DON'T" she cuts me off as she drops her hand down to the buckle and releases it.

"Sam" I look at her panic stricken face and stop myself. She unlocks the car door and climbs out with out a word.

"For crying out loud Carter, get back in the car" I order as I climb out of the driver's seat and start following her as she walks along the long road in the direction of her house. Cars drive past, faces inside staring at us. "Carter that's an order!" I yell as I hurry towards her quickly retreating form.

"So court-marshal me" she calls back fighting off the urge to cry. She's cried so much tonight.

"You know I won't do that" I call back starting a jog to catch up but she doesn't stop.

"Because you know it won't stand up in court" she replies venomously

"Because I can't do that to you" I insist. Cars are slowing down as they pass, watching with wide eyes.

"There are a lot of things you can't do Sir" she retaliates as I near her.

"Can we talk about this in the car" I plead as I grab her arm. She spins around and yanks it free from my grip.

"Don't touch me" she warns as she clutches the arm to her chest.

"What are you going to do, walk home?" I ask standing still as she turns and looks over the road

"I've walked further distances" she states and I roll my eyes.

"I don't care, you're not walking" I say and surprise myself at how fatherly that sounded

"How was it supposed to happen Jack? Were you supposed to woo me? Was I supposed to just forget about all the rules? Just forget about my career? Risk loosing everything I've worked for so you can have a pity fuck!" her lip trembles as she stares at me looking for the answers. Her eyes filled with fury and anguish.

"It's not like that Carter and you know it" I step towards her. She freezes in her stance again, frightened of me. "I care about you Car…"

"Don't" she cuts me off, turning away from me

"It's the truth" I insist spinning her back to face me

"I couldn't stop you sir. I was screaming and you wouldn't stop." she looks down at her hands. "I know you won't hurt me sir, but you did" she looks up at me her eyes pleading with me "I don't know what you thought it was but I was terrified"

"Carter I…"

"I know you're sorry sir but I don't know who you are any more" she crosses her arms over her chest to fend off the cold breeze "I don't know what to feel"

"Strange as it is Carter, I know what you're going through" this snaps her attention up at me "but believe me Carter, this is me" I assure her as I take another step forward attempting to take her hands into my own "I don't know what came over me that night but I don't care; because I'm telling you that I will never let it happen again…"

"Sir you've told me this…"

"I mean it Carter. I don't want to loose you" her eyes become locked with mine and I know she's thinking of the arm bands and that moment when I refused to let her die.

"I've lost a lot Sam and I'm probably going to loose a lot more" she finally lets me take her hands into mine as I step closer. "But I'm willing to do anything within my power to keep you here, keep you safe."

"Sir i…" she starts but I'm not finished. She can wait; I need to get this out.

"I meant it Sam. I'd rather die myself then loose you" I wait, lingering my gaze with hers as I bring our bodies closer "tell me I haven't lost you" I whisper to her, holding my breath in anticipation of her response. She swallows and draws in a deep breath as she looks down in thought. My heart beat seems to escalate as the thought hits me that she may not be able to get past this. I wouldn't blame her but I couldn't deal with it.

She finally looks up to my eyes again her thumbs tracing symbols into my hand.

"You were never going to loose me" she finally tells me and I suck in a deep breath of relief. "You know how I feel Jack; but I'm not ready yet. It's going to take some time to get things back to the way they were"

"Let me help you" I ask as I bring one hand around her back. She hesitates gasping at the touch of my hand on her back but as I look into her eyes she lets me embrace her. She's rigid against me, breathing deeply and I know she doesn't have a clue what to do or how to react. No-one could have prepared her for this. I rub my hand along her back and she finally relaxes, collapsing against me. I smile taking in the smell of her hair. "Can we get back in the car now? I'm freezing my ass off"

She looked up and let a small smile show

"Yes sir"


	14. Chapter 14

Sorry it's extraordinarily late…again. Again no excuse but I've finally gotten in the swing of writing again and I figured I should post something to this fic. Just to show I haven't forgotten this I just became preoccupied. I know it's short but I promise there is more to come. Enjoy.

---

'Rain is just icing when you feel like this' Sam had thought as she lay in her bed, covered in her thick comforter as she stared at the pane of glass dripping with the droplets during the wet weather of that evening. She'd had the day off and after the psych evaluation, had returned straight home feeling guilty and angry at herself. She'd not told the truth. She'd bold faced lied and he had known it.

The first thing she did when she returned from her trip was switch the CD player on and then carried herself up to the bathroom, intent to get herself feeling better by washing away whatever filth she'd acquired. But it had been useless as she found her self crawling into bed, naked and panic stricken. Burying herself amongst her bedding seemed the only way she didn't feel vulnerable.

Sarah Mclachlan was playing loudly through her speakers in the lounge room. She couldn't remember putting the old CD into the player but there it was playing the words 'How stupid could I be? A simpleton could see, that you're no good for me; But you're the only one I see' over and over in her head. The song seemed to go on endlessly. Enough to make Sam suspect that the song was on repeat. She couldn't remember a time when she'd needed that song play endlessly. But right now it seemed a sort of comfort.

She lay naked and comfortable amongst soft bedding and the sound of Sarah Mclachlan, filtering out the thundering sludge like rain around her house. Snow seemed to be tending towards rain and why shouldn't it when everything else seemed to be tending that way. Cold and miserable.

Ok so she was being dramatic but she couldn't care. The emotion flooding through her kept flowing like a river, straight from the waterfall to the ocean. And nothing she did or thought about seemed to help. She'd thought she could be stronger than this. She'd thought she could suck it up and go back to work. Put it behind her and deal with things as they came to. As such was life.

But it was him.

This thought burned in her mind constantly and no matter what he'd said to her, she couldn't forget it. She couldn't forget the shear terror she'd felt while beneath the body of the man she'd been aching to do just that. Strangely she hand a suspicion that it wasn't the brutality of what happened that was getting to her. It was the lack of compassion. What she'd imagined from him didn't happen and wouldn't happen. He'd taken it from her.

But yet the look she'd seen in him as he was pleading to her on the high way had taken her back a notch and knocked her off her feet.

How could she be so torn between her emotions? Emotions that now seemed to have collapsed on her wholly.

She wasn't built for this and she knew it.

All her life she's been creating a barrier between herself and everyone else to preserve herself. She didn't want to have to love some one and then have her heart broken when she lost them.

Damn it she cared about Jack. Didn't he get that? Didn't he understand what he's done? And yes she knew that some part of him knew and was terrified that he was going to loose her but she honestly didn't know how they were going to get passed this.

A loud heavy knock came from the front door. Sam had been inclined to ignore it, but she knew by the knock, who was standing at her door.

She collected her dressing gown and pushed back the wave of emotion as she made her way to the door. She didn't smile like she usually did when she greeted someone at the door. She instead opened the door wide to the dripping Jaffa and gestured for him to come in with a nod. Teal'c bowed his head and followed Sam inside as she turned the CD player off and walked into the kitchen.

"Do you want something to drink Teal'c?" Sam asked not bothering to conceal the croak of her straining throat as she held herself together. She knew her face was red with tears and emotion but she couldn't help that.

As she looked up to meet Teal'cs gaze she saw a flicker of hurt touch his features and she couldn't stop herself. In that instance she felt her feet grow week beneath her as she crumbled with the weight of herself letting go. Teal'c always ready, caught her in her fall and let her collapse against him as she clutched his civilian shirt in her hands and buried her head in his chest. Teal'c wrapped his strong arms around her in silence and once again she found herself weeping into Teal'cs comforting embrace over Jack.

Teal'c waited with her, understanding and holding her as she let herself go and cried out against his chest.

"I love him"


	15. Chapter 15

Crisp leather pounds against resistance. Weight takes impact, forced forward. Metal swings violently, shaking as the weight pulls back and then swings down.

Crisp leather pounds again, harder.

'Left' the bag takes impact 'Right' shaking with the force 'Left' heavy sand yanking the black bag from side to side violently 'Right'.

'Left. Right. Left. Right.' Jack chants in his head, rapidly and forcefully pounding into the heavy bag over and over again. 'Left. Right. Left. Right.' Sweat beads down his forehead and back. The towel around his neck doing little to fend off the salty liquid.

In the background, Jack barely registers the doors open as he pounds against the bag relentlessly. A thought crosses him that Teal'c might have left. He glances over to the weights to see Teal'c still lifting what seems at the very least, the equivalent of Daniel on the one bar.

"How much you got on there T?" Jack asks in a pant, he keeps his attention on the bag as he speaks. Teal'c doesn't reply and it's another minute of beating at the punching bag for Jack to register this.

"T?" Jack asks as he slows his punches and glances over at his friend, who seems content to just lift weights endlessly. "You hear me?" he asks forgetting the bag and being hit by it as it swings back at him. He shakes it off as he pulls his punching gloves off and picks up his water bottle breathlessly. Teal'c still doesn't respond which sends off alarms in Jacks head. "What's up Teal'c?"

"There is nothing 'up' at this current point in time O'Neill" Teal'c states, now accustomed to the term.

"Then why the cold shoulder?" Jack asks seriously. Feeling a lump form in his throat as he suspects he knows what this about.

"Major Carter does not wish me to converse with you O'Neill" Teal'c states as he drops the weight and retrieves his towel from beneath his back, to wipe his brow.

"Major Carter?" Jack nods biting his lip "Um Teal'c, I think she means 'don't talk to me about…what I did'" Jack offers as explanation, swallowing back guilt as he sits down on a bench.

"I am aware of the context she was referring to O'Neill." Teal'c states standing up "I am equally inclined to not converse with you at this time"

Jack's jaw flexed as he stared up at Teal'c, now towering above him and closed his eyes in frustration.

"At this time?" Jack asked opening his eyes again, capturing his gaze.

"I mean no offence by it O'Neill" Teal'c assures him "I believe it would not be wise to assist you in avoiding the issue at hand." Teal'c explained while Jack nodded letting him continue on his path. As Teal'c neared the door Jack called back.

"This changes things between you and I doesn't it?"

"Indeed" Teal'c stated in a way that influenced more emotion then Jack had ever believed possible for a single word.

Perhaps it was a second to 'sir'.

As Jack stood up he turned around to see Daniel sitting at a bench watching him. Daniel was dressed in gym pants runners and a singlet that indicated to Jack who had opened the door.

"What" Jack snapped the rhetorical question daringly at Daniel as he turned back to the punching bag, not bothering with the gloves and began furiously attacking the bag once more. Beating his fury into the heavy black bag as images of Sam, naked beneath him, terrified of him and pleading; flooded at the forefront of his mind. He was furious at himself above all else and with adrenaline and rage pumping through him with his rapid pulse; he tore up his fists against the bag. He'd not noticed the pain until Daniel had his arms around Jack, pulling him down to the gym floor as he grasped Jacks wrists, carefully avoiding his bloodied fists.

"Damn it Jack, what the hell do you think you're doing!" Daniel exclaimed as he held Jacks fists before him. "Trying to break your hands!" Daniel snapped at him as he wrapped his own, clean towel around Jack's raw fists.

"I don't know!" Jack snapped back at Daniel and Daniel frowned down at him "I don't know what I'm doing anymore Daniel" Jack declared while Daniel stared baffled "I don't know what I am"

Daniel sighed knowing what Jack had meant.

"You're not a rapist Jack…" Daniel begun when Jack let out a strangled laugh

"Really?" Jack asked with sour skepticism, between gritted teeth.

"yes you raped Sam. But that doesn't make you a rapist…"

"No, that's exactly what it makes me Daniel. A rapist. A lowlife. Skum. Dirt. Worthless!" Jack berated "Carter should have turned me in the first chance she got"

"Jack she won't…"

"I know she fucking won't!" Jack cut him off again "that's what makes this all just that little bit worse. I betrayed her trust and stole what ever innocence there was in her, successfully destroying whatever relationship we had; and she won't do a fucking thing about it because it's me." Jack dropped his head to the floor holding the towel balled in his hands.

"Jack" Daniel spoke not really knowing what to say to him.

"What Daniel?" Jack asked looking up at him. Daniel sighed letting go of Jacks wrists.

"I'll get Janet" he told him gesturing towards Jacks hands and Jack nodded letting him leave him to lay on the floor, staring up at the cement roof in thought.


	16. Chapter 16

"Argh!" Jack hissed as Janet dabbed his shredded knuckles with an alcohol wipe, cleaning out the wounds before she would bandage them.

"You really did a number on these, Colonel" Janet sighed as she gently placed a non-adhesive dressing on top of the knuckles of his right hand. Jack didn't look up and she continued wrapping a bandage around the hand, holding the dressing firmly in place. Once finished she started on the next hand with a shake of her head.

"Your results are back Colonel" Janet attempted to start a conversation "if you wanted to know what I concluded based on the results from the examination…" Janet began while Jack let out an exaggerated sigh. "Some normal hormones are slightly elevated; mostly stress hormones which I'm not surprised about. You have somewhat elevated Testosterone levels; and you have decreased serotonin activity." Janet told him as she bandaged the other hand.

"Dumb it down for me doc" Jack groaned as he pulled his battered hands closer to himself.

"Well we mostly find these sorts of results in patients suffering from alcoholism. Decreased serotonin activity is associated with impulsivity and aggressive behavior. Testosterone as I'm sure you know is responsible for the development of male primary and secondary sexual characteristics, and high concentrations have been associated with violence and hostility." Janet explained as Jack tried to follow her. She looked to him expectantly and he shrugged.

"So…" he held his hands out open equally as expectantly.

"So you and Daniel both have these altered levels, Colonel" Janet offered and he nodded still confused. "Sir Serotonin alone is thought to function as a behavioral inhibitor. I believe these results explain the behavioral changes you've been experiencing."

"Fraiser, save it" Jack sighed heavily "right now, I wouldn't care if those results came back with a big red flag indicating I was drugged. It doesn't explain what I did and it sure as hell doesn't change it"

"But colonel there may be something on the planet causing these…"

"Tell it to Carter." Jacks eyes met Janet's with a sad sort of furiousness. Anguish was clearly evident on his features. Janet bit her lip having a vague understanding of what the colonel was going through.

"Sir I know you want to help her." Janet spoke up "I know you want to be able to comfort her and you desperately want her forgiveness…" Janet watched as he looked at her with a stunned sort of expression. "But right now she's afraid of you, and I know that's a difficult thing to come to terms with but there's really nothing you can do to make her understand that you won't hurt her"

"Janet…"

"Jack, it's up to her now. Right now what she needs is time to sort out her emotions and she needs a friend, a confidant and someone to talk to, to help her through this" Janet explained while Jack shifted on the cot. "I know you want to be that person for her; but you can't" Janet stated as Jack dropped his head into his bandaged hands.

"What am I supposed to do then?" Jack asked looking back up at Janet's mothering gaze

"You can start by helping me find out just what happened on that planet to alter these levels" Janet smiled but Jack just nodded as she turned to pick up his chart.

"Doc, what if it isn't something on the planet?" Jack asked holding her gaze.

"Given you and Daniel are both suffering from these same effects, I doubt it isn't"

"But it's a possibility?" Jack asked still holding her gaze intently

"Yes sir, it is"

---


	17. Chapter 17

'Call her'

Daniel repeated this in his head as his finger hovered over redial. Earlier that morning he'd picked up his phone and dialled her number but never hit the call button. Now he was periodically hitting the redial button every time he let the phone reset. He'd felt awkward when he'd gone to her about Jack yesterday. He still didn't understand what Jack was thinking. Janet hadn't spoken to him; she'd just looked at him with wide almost frightened eyes and listened to him as he told her about Jack.

This was ridiculous, he hadn't done anything. He'd scared her. He'd let himself lose control and had frightened himself over it. But Jack was the one who should be fighting himself over calling Sam. Not him over calling Janet.

He just wanted to apologise; properly.

The way she'd treated him in Jacks kitchen had really gotten to him. He knew it was because she'd thought he'd done it but he knew his actions in the infirmary had had an effect on her. She needed this apology almost as much as he needed to apologise.

'Call her'

He pressed the redial button again and pressed call. He bit his lip nervously as he listened to the ringing. A long moment later she answered.

"Fraiser" she spoke into the line, sounding frustrated

"Janet" Daniel spoke into the line as he rubbed a sweaty palm on his pants leg "can I meet with you"

"Daniel I'm sorry but I can't really talk, you've caught me at a bad moment" Janet told him sounding rushed, as if she was running or walking very quickly at that moment.

"Just hold up" Daniel asked as he listened to the sound of her locking a door, probably her house

"MUM!!" Cassie called and Daniel heard the distinct honk of a car.

"Daniel I really have to go, I've just left the base for a few hours and I need to drive Cassie into town and be back in time for SG6's return."

"This is important" he replied lying back feeling let down. Strange as that was. He felt heavy and you could hear it in his breath.

"Are you alright?" she asked and waited for a response. He froze not knowing what to say. "I'll call you when I get back to base" she told him as he heard her car door slam and then all the background noise went dead. "I need to speak to you anyway"

"I'd rather not do this over the phone" he seemed almost to plead with her. He could feel his nerves getting to him and felt emotion building inside his chest.

"Okay, I'll come see you when my shift ends, will you be on base?" she asked starting the engine. Daniel dropped his head back

"uh no, I'll be at home" he replied expecting Janet to smirk but instead she just hung up.

Daniel ended the call and dropped the phone on the floor beside him. He stared up at the ceiling feeling frustrated and confused. He'd felt a strange overwhelming emotion pumping through him. It was only a phone call.

He needed to get some air.

He stepped out onto his balcony and looked out over the railing down at the drop below him. He didn't know how long he'd been staring down at it. He couldn't remember much from when he'd stood here, intent on letting himself take that drop. Jack had told him the whole story but it didn't help. He imagined the kind of mind set he'd have to have had in order to think of this. He probably felt similar to what he felt now. Guilty, confused, frustrated, betrayed.

That was one thing he did feel a lot. Betrayed. Betrayed by Jack for what he did, Betrayed by Sam for not turning to him, Betrayed by Janet for thinking he could have done that. Mostly just betrayed by him self, for getting like this. This wasn't supposed to affect him so much. This was their problem. Jack and Sam, this happened to them, not him. Then why did he feel so overwhelmed by a phone call? Why did he hate himself? Why did he feel like all the happiness that had been in his life had been ripped away when Jack raped Sam? Why did he feel like he understood what might have been going through his mind when he'd last stood out on this ledge ready to jump?

Everything was falling apart and no one would let him pick up the pieces.

Sam was frightened of him. Jack was torturing himself, by himself. Teal'c seemed to have stepped back, silently letting things occur naturally and be there for Sam. And Janet was avoiding him in awkwardness. She hadn't even apologised for thinking it was him.

How could she. Didn't she know him at all?

He didn't know what to do. He was torn between these feelings of rage and the feelings of guilt. He wasn't there for Sam and she won't let him. He doesn't know if he can be there for Jack, his friend who betrayed all that he trusted in him when he did that. Teal'c was fine by himself, he always was. But he could at least apologise to Janet, and be there for her. This had to be affecting her.

None of this made any sense. He was so tired of it. He was so tired in general. He just wanted it all to go back to how it used to be. He just wanted it all to go away.

His pulse was racing. He knew he was getting worked up.

He stepped over the railing.

He didn't know why, he was curious. He'd been here before but he couldn't remember. He couldn't understand and now he might. These sensations he felt were so strong. He felt heavy with regret from so many things. Maybe if he just stood here, it'd make sense.

The air was cold against his skin, blowing his clothes with the force. He'd at first hung on to the railing and looked down at the drop, imagining what it'd feel like. Then he lifted his arms in the air, feeling the wind against him, swaying him slightly with its force.

Suddenly he felt a slim arm around his waist.

It made him jump; if the arm hadn't been latched on he probably would have lost balance.

"Daniel don't" a familiar voice pleaded with him as a second arm gripped his torso "It won't solve anything" her voice was strangled with the weight of crying. When she'd come in he didn't know.

"Sam?" he asked as he turned to look down on her panic stricken features

"Come back over the edge please" she begged him; Daniel nodded and climbed over the railing back onto the balcony. He fell into Sam's arms as he did and she welcomed the powerful hug with a distraught need to hold him.

"I wasn't going to…" he started but she cut him off as she rubbed his back.

"Shh Daniel its ok, I understand" she told him reassuringly

"I just wanted to know how it felt" he continued "everything seems to be falling apart and I thought I understood what it was that had driven me there last time" he told her while she rubbed slow circles along his back, holding him against her. "I'm so confused"

"It's alright Daniel" she assured him "I should have known this was affecting you"

Daniel pulled back from the hug at this and looked into her red eyes.

"No Sam, you have every right to be distracted." He told her "you shouldn't be the one helping me; I should be there for you"

"Daniel, I know I pushed you away" she took his hand in to her own "I was just scared. I was coming over here to see you about all of this; I'd stopped at a fuel station when Janet called me. She said you'd called her and she was worried about the way you'd sounded on the phone" Sam explained "I should have come sooner"

"Sam" Daniel cut her off and cupped her face in his hand to catch her full attention "come inside" he smiled in a way that told her he understood.


	18. Chapter 18

Janet rubbed her eyes warily as she sat back away from her home computer. Running Cassie around town had taken longer then she had expected and had exhausted her. She'd only just gotten back in time to sign off on the examinations preformed by some of the infirmary staff working under her. Hammond had been annoyed but had let it slide. Feeling the weight of the day, she'd decided to sign out early and had taken a few outstanding medical reports home to strain her brain and try to work out what was wrong. She had five reports to think over tonight and of those, two belonged to SG1. Janet sighed as she pushed Jacks file to the side and picked up Daniels, reading the levels from the tests over again. She flipped it to the attached mission report and scanned the words for the third time that night, skipping past the lengthy descriptions of the cultural discoveries.

"Come on Daniel, why's this happening to you two" she asked as she read over the pages "you didn't consume anything on the planet, you didn't touch any device and you didn't come into contact with the plant life like Sam and Jack…" She frowned dropping her pen again. Exhaustion pulling her away "you spent the whole time studying the tunnels" she groaned. She finally placed the folder down and decided against pushing herself tonight.

As she was heading out into the lounge room she came across Cassie, sitting on the couch watching a rerun of that silly wormhole show she watches.

"Cassie, get to bed" Janet growled, unaware that Cassie had actually been asleep.

"Whahmm?" Cassie murmured incoherently as she woke up to the grating sound of Janet's annoyance.

"Go on, bed" Janet repeated as she stood over her in the lounge room.

"Oh ok" Cassie smiled weakly as she struggled to pull herself out of sleep and off of the couch. Janet followed her to her room, making sure she didn't make any detours. Janet smiled warmly as Cassie snuggled in to the bed and rested her head down on the pillow, relishing in the comfort.

"Nigh Cass" Janet told her as she went to switch the light off.

"Mum?" Cassie asked half asleep "what's wrong with Sam?"

Janet froze as she realised she was supposed to go see him and then watched her daughter in disbelief.

"What makes you think there's something wrong?" Janet stalled as she walked back into the room and sat on the end of the bed.

"Sam called while you were on the computer; she said to tell you that she was staying at Daniels house tonight, and not to come over" Janet nodded and then frowned

"What about that would make you think there was something wrong?" Janet asked and Cassie frowned.

"I think she was crying" Cassie explained while Janet bit her lip "she sounded like it"

"Listen Cassie, SG1 is going through something right now that is going to be hard for them. It's hard on Sam especially and I know you love to spend time with her and you worry when she's feeling down but right now, what she's going through is going to change her and she might not…" Janet paused as emotion seemed to be creeping up on her. She didn't want to have to explain any of this to her "SG1 might not be the same after this Cassie" Janet told her as she clenched her fist around Cassie's sheet.

"What's wrong?" Cassie asked sitting up in her bed as she watched Janet struggling to keep her emotions at bay. Janet pulled a tight lipped smile and stroked her cheek gently.

"I can't tell you right now Cass, but I will, I promise" Janet assured her as she lent in and kissed Cassie on the forehead.

---

Sam clung to Daniels shirt as he stroked her back. They weren't sure how long they'd been sitting there on his couch, probably hours.

Sam, on a whim, had called Janet earlier when Daniel had finally told her how torn he was in his need to apologize to Janet but she had had to leave a message with Cassie.

Since then Daniel had been gently probing details out of Sam, hoping she could take that small step towards recovery with him. She had been resistant at first but with 'what could have been' lingering on her mind over the state she found Daniel in, she figured he needed to know how she felt just as much as she needed to tell him.

"He raped me" she'd begun as she'd clutched her legs to her chest, her eyes fixed on an imaginary point as her mind played the images over "Damn it Daniel this is Colonel O'Neill" she'd shuddered as her breath came out laboured "This isn't supposed… this is never supposed to happen Daniel" she had cried out and all he could do was hold her.

He knew Teal'c had been there for her. He knew Janet had before anyone and as Sam confessed to him through the night, he became aware that Jack too had been there for her, despite her efforts to get away.

"I don't know if I'll ever see him the same way Daniel" She muttered into his chest as her fingers toyed with the collar of his shirt absentmindedly "When I had been hiding under the desk in the observation room, I'd never been so confused and scared by my own actions. But in the bathroom I just wanted it all to go away, I wanted to forget everything and just enjoy him holding me" she breathed in the scent of Daniel as she tried to control her breathing "I think I'd begun to come to my senses on the highway" she laughed while Daniel winced recognizing the flickering influence of Jack in that. It was so like Jack to introduce humour in the worst of situations. "I want to be able to forget it all Daniel, you have no idea how much I want to be able to smile at him without wondering if in some sick way I've grown closer to him because of what he did. I want to be able to stand in the same room without my pulse racing. I want to be able to look at him and not see the look of guilt on his face when I'd called him by name and…" her breath was in gasps as her tears returned, a flood of emotion overwhelming her as she felt like she was there, vividly enduring it. "… and he just continued, he looked straight at me but…" her body shuddered against him as her held her tight against him, stroking her back in reassurance.

"Its ok Sam" he whispered in her ear as she cried.

"I just hurt so badly and I know I have everyone around me to turn to but I want him Daniel, I want Jack back" she broke against him with that and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him closer, needing to hold him. Daniel dropped his head onto her shoulder as he embraced her, letting her cry against him as she drained herself of her built up emotion. After a long moment, Sam seemed to relax a bit against him as her body calmed and stopped shaking. Her breaths stopped coming in gasps and she pulled back, still holding him but looking him in the eyes. Daniel smiled at her softly as he wiped away a lot of the moisture on her cheeks with his thumb. Her features were red and puffy with crying by now and it hit Daniel that he'd never seen Sam like this before. He'd seen her cry before and had helped her through it before but he'd never seen her this far gone with it all.

"What?" Sam asked in response to his studying her features.

"You're red" he told her and she brought her hands up to her face letting out a modest laugh and wiping the remaining moisture away. Daniel pulled her hands away from her face and looked into her eyes intently.

"I don't mind" he told her honestly and she dropped her hands to her lap, smiling self consciously. Daniel brushed her frazzled hair out of her face and then gently pressed his lips to her cheek.

When he pulled back Sam's eyes bore into his with a strange sort of curiosity and then she lightly returned the kiss, brushing her lips over his and then pressing against him more firmly. Daniel froze as he felt her mouth on his. For a brief moment he panicked, not knowing how to react and then he felt their lips moisten as she parted his lips with her tongue. His response was an automatic one as he opened his mouth, relishing in the sensation and kissing her back. He succumbed to the feel of her body against his, her hands around his neck and her hot needing mouth on his mouth; only for a moment before reason took hold of him and he pulled back, gently pushing her away from him instinctively.

"Sam…" he paused looking at her confused "Whatcha doin?" he asked mimicking Jack. Sam bit her lip, closing her eyes as her cheeks amazingly became redder with the embarrassment.

"Sorry" she apologised instantly as she let her hands drop from their place around his neck. "I don't know what came over me" she told him honestly as she weakly stood from the chair and idly walked over the balcony doorway and rested against it. Daniel lifted himself from the chair and walked up to her.

"It's ok…" he paused "…I mean I understand why…" he offered and she smiled "… I just really don't think we should" he finished and she turned to him with a soft smile.

"Don't worry Daniel" she told him as she rubbed his arm "I just" she dropped her head feeling guilty "needed release" she blushed while he went quiet as the thoughts played over his mind and then he finally nodded

"Okay" he smiled and then hugged her again briefly before pulling back "want to get drunk?" he asked with a half smirk and Sam's features visibly brightened.

"Sure" she laughed and followed him into the kitchen.


	19. Chapter 19

"Colonel Edwards" Peters called as he nervously scanned an area of the tunnels on P3X904, the petite scientist had been assigned to this task on last minute notice after SG1 had been taken off this mission. Colonel Edwards wasn't a patient man and had been getting increasingly frustrated with the nervous scientist persistence in becoming alarmed at the slightest variations in the atmospheric levels of the planet.

"What!" Colonel Edwards snapped as he stormed over to the tunnel where peters stood scanning measuring the fluctuations. "What could possibly be wrong now?"

"Uh…" he stuttered as his eyes danced between the piece of technology in his hand and Colonel Edwards fierce eyes "…it…it's reading the presence of a chemical here that hasn't appeared anywhere else sir" Peters managed while Edwards frowned. Peters knelt down on a hunch and held the machine over a small air duct lining the wall of the tunnel. The chemical level spiked. "It's in the ventilation sir" Peters added while Edwards nodded.

"Collect whatever samples or evidence you need Peters, I'll head pack to the gate and report what you've found" Edwards nodded dismissively and then turned around "Uh… good work"

---

Sam groaned groggily as the mid afternoon light hit her eyes. She shuddered at the chill of a cold breeze sweeping over her and unconsciously moved closer to the warmth of the light and the body beneath her.

Her eyes shot open as she pulled back and looked down at the man in her arms. Daniel looked peaceful underneath her in a deep sleep. She glanced around and found they were lying on the balcony tiles on top of a thick blanket. Beside them was a near empty bottle of what looked like a home brewed alcohol.

Sam smiled as she vaguely remember Daniel going into a lengthy tale about the few bottles of the alcohol he'd picked up while on a dig a few years before the Abydos mission. The drink had been fairly potent if she remembered rightly and Daniel admitted to turning to it a few times over his torments without Sha're.

"You miss her a lot don't you?" Sam had asked and Daniel had plainly admitted it with a quick 'yes'.

"But it gets easier" he'd told her as he poured her another 'nip' the size of three.

Sam sighed as she pushed off of Daniel and stepped up to the balcony edge to look over the depth below her. The chill hair brushed against her skin and she closed her arms around herself to block off the cold. With this action, she realized her shirt was unbuttoned and tied in a not so the shirt cupped her breasts in a way that looked stereotypical of a mainstream Hollywood western film. She let out a small laugh as she remembered Daniel putting various CD's into his stereo system and hitting the shuffle button. The music had played through a mix of familiar, unfamiliar, deeply memorable and plain silly music. At one point the music had flicked to 'the Beverly hillbillies' theme song and Daniel had started to pretend to be Jethro as a joke to lighten the mood and she had joined in, playing the role of Elly May. It had only been a briefly quirky spill of laughter but she obviously hadn't untied her shirt.

Sam shook her head and begun to untie the shirt but quickly realized that one of the buttons had become caught on a loose thread and had locked the knot in place. A memory flickered in front of her as she remembered Daniel laughing heartily at her as she furiously fought with her shirt and had eventually started to help and begun fumbling with the shirt himself but hadn't been able to coordinate him self long enough to stand up right and had slumped against her.

At that moment a loud knock came to the door and Sam's head shot up as she looked in at the door. She frowned hesitantly and tried to shake Daniel awake but he refused to budge. The knocking continued and Sam huffed as she moved over to the door and opened it a fraction, careful not to show her self.

She froze as she saw Jack standing before her with a puzzled look.

"Carter?" He asked confused, he shifted on his feet awkwardly "Watcha doin here?" He asked trying to see inside past her.

"Morning Sir" Sam replied somewhat icily and shocked herself before closing her eyes and opening the door, apologetically. "Come in, I'll uh…see if I can wake Daniel"

Jack followed her inside and watched as she walked ahead of him, fumbling with the knotted shirt that exposed her mid drift. He coughed as he watched her and then saw her step out onto the balcony and shake Daniel.

He scanned the room to see a well crumpled couch with pillows stuffed in the corners, tissues scattered over the coffee table, and the stereo system seemed to be playing a 90's pop song he'd never heard before. There were a few glasses on the kitchen bench beside two full bottles of what was obviously an alcohol. Judging by the nearly empty bottle beside Daniel, the tile lines on Carters cheek and the thick blanket beneath them, they had slept out on the balcony.

"Jack?" Daniel's confused voice carried into the room and Jack turned to see him stumbling up, leaning against Sam for support. "Why the hell are you hear?" he asked rubbing his forehead as he walked in slowly.

"Nice to see you too Daniel" Jack exhaled as he raised his eye brows up at them, seemingly annoyed. "You too have a late night?" he asked, fingering the nozzle of one of the bottles on the kitchen bench.

"Um yeah, not that it's any of your business…" Daniel's voiced edged on aggravation as he leant against his couch and folded his arms looking to Jack challengingly. Jack sighed and threw his hands up as if in surrender.

"Fraiser's made some progress, called me a little while ago, and said something about identifying a chemical brought back from the planet. She seems to think it's responsible for our hormonal imbalances" Jack explained as he played with his keys

"Sorry..." Daniel blanked "Hormone imbalances?"

"We" Jack gestured between himself and Daniel "have changed levels of testosterone and a sera something. Janet seems to think the Naquida in you and Teal'c protected you" Jack waved his hand dismissively "I figured you guys would want to be the first to know. No one could get a hold of you though" his hand tapped the phone that had been resting off the hook beside him "I thought I should swing by here first…" Jack glanced at Carter cautiously and she dropped her head looking away as if reacting to a phantom blow. "In any case, we should get back to base; Fraiser is looking into hormone supplements to fix the changes" Jack finished as Daniel pushed off the couch, fury driven.

"I bet you're happy" Daniel snapped as he advanced on him

"Daniel" Jacks tone spoken volumes of warning "Fraiser might be able to fix this, why wouldn't I be?" Jack asked through gritted teeth

"fix us but not this" Daniel spoke furiously as he pushed Jack back "you think this just makes everything go away!" Daniel snapped as he moved to strike a punch against Jacks face.

"Daniel stop it" Sam spoke up as she watched Jack grip Daniels fist and push him back against the kitchen bench.

"Yeah cool it Danny" Jack exclaimed as he put a bit of distance between them.

"No!" Daniel glared up at him as he grasped a blade in a knife rack. "You can't honestly think that this makes what you did any less wrong!" Daniel pushed off the bench holding the knife ready.

"Daniel!" Sam yelled to snap him out of it.

"Ok Daniel, I think we need to get you to Janet" Jack told him as he stepped back, unconsciously pulling Daniel further away from Sam.

"What's wrong with you Jack? This is Sam! You can't do that" Daniel seemed at breaking point, his breathe was quickly coming is shorter; closer gasps "don't you get it? Can't you see what you've done?" Daniel advanced with every word. Jack hit the wall behind him and with the touch; he found himself overwhelmed and cornered.

"Yes!" Jack snapped "I know!" Jack's voiced seemed to shake "Believe me, I know Daniel" His eyes bore into his, unable to look at Sam as she hovered behind them, fighting internally between remaining strong, soldier Sam. And letting her self become overwhelmed with the situation, tears had already begun to form.

"Look at her" Daniel demanded under his breath as he pressed the blade against Jacks throat. Sam panicked and moved to take action and get the knife off of Daniel. "Look at what you've done Jack!" Daniel ordered as he spun around with the intent to point the blade in Sam's direction.

All three of them gasped simultaneously as in that motion a spray of blood hit them. All sound seemed to stop as they froze in the moment. The adrenaline had consumed them in that surreal moment as they tried to regain composure and determine what had happened. The music seemed the only sound, unrecognizable in the moment of panic.

Sam was the first to move, looking down at her forearm.

A thick layer of blood poured out over her pale skin from the fresh slice into the delicate veins.

"Sam" Jack had gasped as it registered. A fleeting look of panic passed over her features as her eyes met his. The blood continued to spill over her in ever increasing quantities, soaking her clothing and pooling at her feet.

"Jack…" she returned as she felt a pull of fatigue and stumbled backwards. Shock took hold quickly as she slumped against the wall and crumpled down to the floor, gripping the wound with her other hand. Jack recovered from the shock faster then Daniel and pushed him aside as he instinctively dove to her side. Daniel dropped the knife to the floor as he watched Jack pull of his polo white shirt and tear a strip from it.

"Daniel!" Jack yelled in a panic after he heard the knife clang against the floor "Ring Janet now!"

Sam's hand closed over Jacks strong forearm as he tightened the strip of shirt he was using as a tourniquet to slow the blood flow. He looked up to see the shear terror in her eyes. They both knew the extent of the injury. Too many years in combat had taught them well. There was a lot of blood, too much.

"It's alright Carter, we're gonna get out of this alright?" Jack's voice trembled with the pounding of his heart that rang in his ears "You're going to be alright" he repeated reassuringly as he felt himself shaking. Sam visibly paled beneath him as her body relaxed against the wall. Pressing her head back against Daniels apartment wall, she bit her lips, closing her eyes and shaking in utter trepidation. She tried to believe him but it was difficult as she felt herself slipping. "Come on Major, open your eyes" Jack ordered as he cupped her cheek with his blood covered hand, smearing a trail of it over the pale flesh.

"Jack I don't think I can…" she felt herself being consumed by the fatigue.

"No Sam!" Jack begged "Don't you dare die on me Major!" he ordered, his voice betraying his fear. "Not like this" he pleaded as she shook her.

Sam pulled her eyes open as she forced herself to look at him.

"Jack, I know you can't forgive yourself…" Sam begun as she managed to squeeze his forearm but her hand fell limp as she slipped again.

"Carter!" Jack ordered as he shook her back to consciousness

"You can't but…" she paused as she drew in a deep breath "I can" she told him finally as she dragged her eyes up to his "I do" she told him and then swallowed a wave of nausea. "If I don't make it…"

"You'll make it!" Jack snapped back "Don't you dare give up on me"

"I love you" she told him finally and he froze as his eyes held hers warmly and then, with the hand cupping her face, he pulled her closer as he moved to meet her. His lips brushed over hers tenderly, pleadingly and begging with her to stay. Sam weakly returned the soft, compassionately tender kiss before she relaxed against him, the weight of her body, sagging against him as he pulled her body into an embrace.

"Please Sam" He pleaded as Daniel approached behind him after putting the phone down.

"I love you"


	20. Chapter 20

The steady trickle of rain pouring through the leaves of the willow tree seemed to only ricochet off of Jacks crisp blue air force dress uniform. They hadn't expected the rain but it was an appropriate send off. The view from the hill where they laid her body was a nice one. They buried her in the morning; the dawn light spilled over the hill and through the misty rain, shards of the dawn light, illuminated the horizon.

Standing over the freshly filled grave, Jack was alone now. He hadn't stayed there. As everyone else did, he'd left this place and had attended the wake, but as the day shifted into evening, he returned. The rain hand gone now, only to leave a glistening sludge of water to surround his boots. The sun had shifted to move behind him as it set and brought with it, the cold of night.

He wasn't sure why he'd felt compelled to return here, to have the last goodbye. Perhaps he needed to let go of her more then anyone else. He didn't wonder. He just stood there, staring down at the neatly engraved writing.

Jack sighed as he felt his eyes burn as he read the writing. He stuffed his trembling hands into his pockets and exhaled shakily.

"I never wanted this for you" he spoke finally as he let his breath come in long ragged gasps "I wanted you to have an honorable death, more then anything else about you, I wanted that"

He paused as he heard the shuffling of feet in the water behind him. He sighed knowing who it'd be.

"I thought I'd find you here" the soft words lingered in his ears "Daniel said you'd gone to the wake, but I had a feeling you'd return here"

"It doesn't seem right, you know" Jack spoke up, trying to ignore the pain in his voice.

"Yeah" she replied as she stood beside him and looked down over the writing "A beloved Daughter, College and Mother." She read out loud as she leant against Jacks shoulder and Jack nodded.

"She'll be missed" Jack said finally as he turned to look at the woman resting against him, delicate and beautiful in her civilian jeans and blue silk blouse, hidden behind an uncomfortable looking sling. "Thank you"

"For?" she asked smiling up at him

"Coming here, being with me" He smiled as he lifted a hand to rest on her shoulder "I know it must have been hard to come to terms with…"

"Shh, sir, its ok" she smiled weakly "It was hard…" she paused looking down at the grave "to trust you again" when her eyes lifted back up, they had tears in them "But I realized I could never hate you, no matter what you did" she finished as she turned to face him, gazing up at his eyes.

"Sam I…" Jack started when Sam placed a finger over his lips.

"I know Jack" she smiled as she placed her hand on his arm indicating he come with her. He nodded as he turned back to Sara's grave looking down at it finally and then pulled his gaze back up to Sam. She smiled sympathetically and shifted her hand from his arm to his hand, linking her fingers with his.

"Let's go"


	21. Chapter 21

"Do you want a beer?" Sam asked as she pulled her fridge door open. Jack pulled his Jacket off and hung it on her coat rack on his way into the kitchen. He smiled at the sight of her struggling with the case in the fridge and trying to pull two bottles from its grip, while her arm was in the sling.

"Here" he gestured as he stepped into the kitchen and placed his hands over the bottles, taking them out of her hands. He pulled the two bottles easily and popped the lids as he placed them on the bench. He smiled warmly as he placed the rest of the Guinness beers back in the fridge.

"What have you got the sling for anyway?" he asked as he picked up one of the bottles and brought it to his lips.

"Janet doesn't want me to pull my stitches" she smiled as she did the same and then moved into the lounge room, letting him follow.

"She say when you'd be able to return to active duty?" he asked as he eased onto the couch beside her.

"It shouldn't be long; I'll probably be cleared for off world travel before you guys get your hormone levels back to normal with the supplements Janet has you on." She teased while Jack groaned

"Bloody pills" he cursed as he took a large gulp of the beer and then sighed as the cool liquid slid down his throat "they don't even kill pain" it sounded like a whine which made Sam laugh as she rested back against the couch, lifting her feet up on to the coffee table. Jack took in the look of her, a little relaxed, finally after so much intense tension.

-

"_Janet!" Daniels pleading eyes had spoke volumes as she rushed up to his apartment door "god Janet…" he'd gulped as he looked back into the apartment, Janet already at Sam's side and taking over for Jack. _

"_Sam, can you hear me?" Janet asked as she pressed one hand to her wound and the other to her pulse. Her eyes shot up to Jacks. "Colonel…" Jack had never seen terror in Janet's expression before then "she's close"_

"_Do something" Jacks voice trembled with his shortening breath as he silently pleaded with her "please"_

"_Oh no, I'm not letting her go with out a fight"_

-

He'd never felt as scared as he did when he saw the blood. She could have died, should have died. But luckily it was Janet's genius that saved her. The petite doctor had come prepared for anything and had done most of the work in Daniels apartment, before moving her back to base. If it hadn't been for Janet's quick thinking, Sam wouldn't be here, stretched out beautifully on the couch before him, looking somewhat relaxed and safe. "They'll pay off in the long run" he finished as he silently thanked his lucky stars that Sam hadn't been the one they had buried today.

-

"_Doctor I think she's awake" Sam's eyes had burned as the light hit her. The nurse's call had woken Jack as he lifted his head from the edge of the bed _

"_Sam?" he asked carefully, his fingers gently squeezed around her hand._

-

Why that was, he didn't know. Sara had been his wife. Sara had been the mother of his child and had been the woman he loved for so many years. Why then, now would the very thought of losing Sam stress him far beyond that of what the knowledge of Sara's death did. Perhaps it came part and parcel with what he did to her. Perhaps it was some deep seeded guilt and need to rectify the situation before she died.

Perhaps it had been in what they'd said to each other before she'd passed out.

-

"_I'm alive" the murmured statement had come in a gasp as her eyes met his. His thumb stroked along hers delicately as he smiled weakly, his eyes threatening to expose the truth of his emotion. _

"_Yeah" he whispered with the smile "You made it"_

-

"What is your current thought process?" Sam grinned impersonating Thor. Jack shook himself from his thoughts and lifted his gaze to hers.

"Um… nothing" he coughed as he sat up on the couch.

"Right…" she drew out the word with a smile and drank a large amount of the beer into her mouth.

"I was um… Just thinking how lucky we were" He replied and she looked to him expectantly over swallowing the beer "That Janet was able to fix you" he smiled as she bit her lip. "I was scared there for a little while" his voice carrying a hint of fear as Sam nodded exhaling heavily.

"You weren't the only one" she muttered as she sucked the last of her beer down her throat and placed the bottle down on the table.

-

"_Janet?" Sam asked in a daze, her vision blurred as she looked up at the doctor standing over the cot she lay on "where am I?" the rattling of the wheels grated against her senses as they seemed to rush down a base corridor. "Where's Daniel?" she asked suddenly frightened "and Ja…" the darkness consumed her again._

-

She waited for a moment and then moved to the kitchen fridge for another. Jack eyed her empty bottle carefully and looked at his half full one and then looked up to see her enter with another.

"Carter?" he cleared his throat as she sat down. "I know it's ridiculous to expect you to just forget what I did…" he spoke as she turned to him with a startled expression "I understand if you feel awkward around me…" he continued as he watched her fingers grip and clamp around the cushion she was pressed up against.

"No" she jumped in and then winced "I mean, yes I do sort of still feel confused about how I feel, but I'm ok with it…" she hesitated as he raised his eyebrows at her. Her fingers relaxed and she smiled "well obviously I'm not ok with it. I just mean that, I trust you" she finished as she nervously lifted the new bottle to her mouth, signaling an end to the conversation. Jack watched her throat move with the liquid as she drank and then he let out a low growl. Sam took the bottle away from her lips and held eye contact with him, silently daring him to speak.

"Ok, then why the sudden thirst?" he asked gesturing towards her bottle with his.

"Thirsty" she shrugged and Jack pulled a half hearted smile.

-

"_Jack!" Daniel exclaimed as Jack finally answered the phone._

"_What Daniel?" Jack barked down the line as he gripped the edge of his kitchen wall to support himself. Daniel frowned as he listened to Jacks heavy breathing._

"_Um I was just calling to ask if you knew when Sam was getting out" Daniel explained hesitantly as an incoherent sound of annoyance came through the line "Janet ushered me out as soon as I walked in, but I know you were at her side through out the night…"_

"_What's your point Daniel?" Jack asked impatiently as he pressed himself against the wall and sucked the rest of his beer down his throat and then placed the empty bottle beside a few others on the bench._

"_I guess I figured you might know… are you drunk?" Daniel asked sounding offended and disgusted. Jack groaned as he slumped down to the floor._

"_I have been a lot Daniel, you know this" Jack growled back "Sara's funeral's tomorrow" _

"_And that excuses it?!"_

-

They sat there for a long time, awkwardly surveying the room as they drank. Finally Jack placed his drink down and turned back to her.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked wiping his palms on his thighs anxiously.

"This?" she queried, blue eyes peering up at him, as she placed her beer down beside his. Jack looked at her puzzled features and hesitated before shifting a fraction closer. Sam consciously pulled back and Jack winced as he dropped his head.

"Trusting me" he explained, sounding defeated. Sam hesitated for a moment and then lifted his chin with her forefinger. As Jack looked up he was met with the softest of smiles as she nodding her head. Jack's lips attempted to curve into a smile but defied him as they formed a subtle frown.

"Because if I were you, I'd hate me" he finally smiled jokingly but she understood and held a weak smile in return

"You do" she told him as she swallowed back a wave of emotion with it "you hate yourself over it" she explained and the smile dropped from his features.

"I um… well." he drew in a gasp of air "well yeah, I do" he admitted as she nodded and gently placed her hand on his knee.

"Its part of why I trust you again" she told him honestly as she bit her bottom lip and locked eyes with him. "When I was bleeding, and you were trying to slow it. I knew I wasn't far off and it scared the hell out of me" She started as Jack gripped her hand hearing the pain in her voice "I didn't think I'd make it" she continued, seemingly unaware of the contact "I couldn't die like that. I just couldn't let you go on hating yourself and never knowing…" she paused as she felt his other hand reach around to her back and gently pull her closer to him. She resisted momentarily but eventually dropped her head to his shoulder. They stayed there for a long moment, breathing in the sent of each other.

"I know Sam" Jack finally spoke reassuringly as he held her in his arms, stroking her back gently "I've always known" he whispered into her ear and she pulled back from him, just far enough to capture his lips with her own.

Startled, Jack's eyes flew open as he felt her hot mouth on his. He didn't resist, but remained frozen in the position.

She needed this. They needed this. Sam shifted her weight as she pressed her lips against his more firmly. Jack's hands were the first to respond as they lifted to the small of her back and she leant into him, trailing her tongue over his lips, demanding entrance. Jacks lips parted finally as he allowed her entrance. She reacted by intensifying the kiss, shifting her weight on top of him and pressing him back against the corner of the couch as she ran her uninjured hand through his clipped hair.

Jack let out a guttural groan as his hand unconsciously slipped under her silk blouse and found warm bare skin.

"Sam…" he moaned as she pressed her self against his chest. They really shouldn't be doing this. "Carter stop" he gently pushed her back, ending the kiss. "You don't want to be doing this" he told her warningly as she closed her eyes.

"Jack…" she sighed as she dropped her head to his chest in defeat "too much has happened for me to be worried about regulations" she finally whispered as her heavy breath echoed in Jacks mind. He closed his eyes with the pinch that incited.

"Do you really want to start this, after what I did…" he surprised himself as he looked into her eyes with a concerned need for her to understand. "I don't want this to just be some need for release over what I did" he explained as she lifted herself off of him, self consciously straightening her blouse, and smiled. She nodded hesitantly and then shifted back to the other side of the couch.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize…" she paused "I mean I should have realized you'd be confused, since you're still affected by the chemical." She smiled sadly as she pushed off of the couch shakily and moved to take her two bottles into the kitchen when he grasped her healthy wrist.

"You know how I feel" he spoke as he stood up to her level. She genuinely smiled at that as she turned to him. "It's just that, while you may trust me again, and you may have forgiven me…" he hesitated as her smile settled into a blank expression "…I don't think I can trust or forgive myself" he explained as her gaze held him warmly and she shifted closer slightly, in an odd form of reassurance "I love you" he told her suddenly as though it was an urgent need for her to understand. A red blush rose to her cheeks as she rested her chin on his shoulder, letting him pull her into a tight embrace once again.

"Yes sir" she laughed and he growled at her for it.

"You really know how to kill a mood, Major" he grinned at her as she stifled a laugh by biting her lip.

"Yes sir" she grinned before taking a step back and out of his reach. He raised an eyebrow at her and pulled a half smirk.

"I take it, we're good?" he asked carefully as she chewed on the side of her cheek.

"Getting there" she admitted finally, folding her arms over her chest. Jack watched her curiously as she seemed to dance hesitantly inside her mind, her eyes lifting and falling as the red burned steadily in her cheeks.

"Carter?" he asked breaking her from her trance "something else?" he guessed while he brought his bottle to his lips, filling the void as he awaited her response.

"I kissed Daniel" she admitted as Jack's eyes widened, looking up past the bottle with a startled expression. He froze registering this and draining his bottle.

It was at that moment that a knock broke the silence.

Sam closed her eyes in regret and moved to the door as Jack waited idly in the lounge room.

A moment later, Sam returned with Janet at her side, Daniel following cautiously and Teal'c at his heels.

-

AN: Increadably apologetic for the extream lateness... my final year of highschool is wrapping up now and everything is due... I've been writting this between assignments literally!


	22. Chapter 22

This is extremely late and there is absolutely NO excuse… so if there is anyone out there still interested in reading this story, I hope to have it finished and posted soon.

P.S. you may find I dwell on Daniels emotions too much in this chapter but I believed his rash judgement with the balcony incident needed better explanation... I hope I'm not repeating myself with this though.

-

"Fraiser, Teal'c…" Jack greeted with slight head nods before placing the now empty beer bottle on the table and stuffing his hands into his pockets and then finally looking to Daniel with a blank stare "…Daniel" he seemed almost to growl before clearing his throat and turning to Sam "expecting a party?" he asked her with an expectant glare but she simply smiled innocently in response.'

"I have procured alcoholic beverages and…pizza…for the evening O'Neill" Teal'c cut into the awkward silence that appeared to be building and slid the pizza boxes on to the lounge room table.

"Beer?" Jack asked sceptically eyeing the six pack "how'd you get beer?"

"The woman at the counter did not doubt my age" he simply replied and then moved to store the beer in the fridge. A moment later he called back.

"There is insufficient room in your refrigerator Major Carter"

Janet Laughed and took up the opportunity to offer a helping hand, leaving the three of them alone.

"So…" Daniel spoke first, edging into the room. He wasn't sure why the situation had him on his toes and his stomach aching, he hoped it was just the smell of the pizza making his stomach turn but his sense of reason told him otherwise. Something had happened just before they had arrived, something substantial. He inwardly kicked himself as the first thought that crossed his mind was that Jack hadn't been on his best behaviour and had made the situation between him and Sam worse. The empty bottles in plain view made it obvious that Jack had either been here for a while or the nerves between them had driven them to drink, quickly.

"Daniel?" Jack asked eyeing him suspiciously, that threw Daniel off. How was this awkwardness his fault? All he'd said since he arrived was 'So...' What could he possibly have done to deserve such blatant suspicion? As Daniel assessed Jacks demeanour, it was becoming clearer and clearer that he was definitely irate and all of this was centred on him.

"How was the funeral?" Daniel Finally asked, which made Jack drop his head and scoff before falling heavily onto the couch behind him "that bad huh?" he asked jokingly but the sharp glare told him humour was his last option.

"It rained" Sam finally cut in hoping the reminder of her presence would ease the tension. The attempt proved fatal as Jacks glare suddenly snapped to her.

"Daniel, could you go see what is keeping them?" Jack subtly demanded without taking his eyes off Sam.

"Jack…" Daniel tried

"Now." he almost yelled, in-sighting obedience out of Daniel as he left the room, leaving the two alone.

Once Daniel had left the two of them alone, Sam gritted her teeth and shot him a frustrated look.

"Jack…"

"Carter" he growled as he looked to her, demanding an explanation. She stood still refusing to speak, her free hand just barely wavering as she pressed it to her thigh to hide the trepidation. Jack closed his eyes seeing how foolish the move had been and then stood up to move closer "I'm sorry…" he began but she pushed past him and out into the next room, disappearing up the stairs. "Shit" he breathed, only to have Janet enter just in time to hear it. She cleared her throat and narrowed her eyes at him, obviously perturbed.

"What'd you do?" she demanded. Faintly, Jack heard Daniels foot steps rushing up the stairs; he gritted his teeth and stood up.

"Enjoy your party" he told her before attempting to push past; but stubborn Janet wouldn't have it.

"Sit down!" she ordered while Jack stood still, almost parroting Sam "now, Colonel."

Jack fisted his hands, torn between outrage and conscience. Stomaching his anger, even with the medication was difficult and tonight he had used all he had to keep his emotions at bay.

"Sorry Janet" he spoke finally giving her a cold but strangely sympathetic look, hoping the sting in his eyes wasn't visible yet. Janet succumbing would say otherwise as he stepped past and out. Leaving the four of them alone.

-

Upstairs, Sam lay on her bed in a semi foetal position with her face half buried in a pillow. Daniel eased the door open, letting himself in and sat down on the edge of the bed beside her. The room was quiet except for Sam's heavy breaths as she struggled to keep herself together. The days since what was being dubbed 'the incident' had been hell on her emotions and had been more draining then she ever could have imagined.

"Sam..?" Daniel cautiously voiced the implied question of what she needed right now.

"I don't know if I can talk Daniel" she managed to audibly answer. Daniel's semi smile to that was one of great weight. He knew this would never be easy or the same as he truly hoped it could one day be, but the weight that it carried pulled on him.

He cared for her, deeply; Jack too. And to see this and just to know that this had passed… well this information to him was far more then shocking news gossiped about in quiet. He, like everyone else who loved them, was involved and affected. But somehow he also knew this would affect him more so then the others. There was a bond between team mates that Janet shared but not anywhere near the degree he did.

Family was a word that fit here, the close family connection that he didn't share with anyone else and so it made sense for this to weight on him as much as it would if it were his own siblings involved. He really didn't know how to handle his closest friends falling apart because of this atrocity. Teal'c seemed to cope but what that man could cope with was beyond Daniel. He finally sighed, assuming the silence had drawn on far too long. He reached his hand gently over to hers and squeezed it.

The weight of the bed tilted slightly and it took him a moment to register that she had shifted over, giving him more room. Her hand patted the bed softly and he quietly lay down beside her with as compassionate a smile as he could muster. Resting his head beside hers as he lay there facing her, he gently stroked his thumb over her injured hand and spoke.

"You ok?" he asked hoping her response wasn't as weighted as he expected it to be.

"Yeah" she breathed softly as she wiped her eyes with her free hand.

"What was that down there?" he jumped in, not really knowing what else to ask.

"I told him I kissed you" she replied earnestly, with a muted tone. Daniel slowly let out a breath of burden he didn't know he was carrying but it was short as he sucked in quickly, to starve off the flooding of emotion that had been threatening.

"I'd suspected as much" he finally replied, lifting his hand up to brush the blond feathering from her tired eyes.

"We're friends Sam…" he started, Sam began to nod as she went to reply with the expected 'I know' but was cut short as he gently kissed her forehead "Jack knows this." He added looking to her intently "He knows there's nothing there for him to get this way about, but he's confused right now and…"

"Daniel I know" she smiled "Janet gave me the run down all the possible effects…"

"Sam, this isn't just the side effects…" he cut her off but she laughed minutely and then gently patted his cheek.

"I know how he feels about me Daniel" she offered as explanation waiting for the reaction in his features, a soft, slow exhale was all he showed "I know he's feeling betrayed because in some small way he's jealous that you can be this close to me and not him. He's worried that he can't be this close to me ever again." She explained

"I told him I kissed you because he needed to know and well… I don't know, I guess I'm just angry with myself mostly, for letting this all happen like this" she dropped her eyes from his shamefully

"God Sam" Daniel pulled her closer "none of this is your fault" his arms crossing over her back reassuringly.

"I know" she nodded, wiping her eyes on the material of his shirt "but I can't help feeling like it is" she pressed her cheek to his chest "I don't blame him for anything…"

"You blame yourself" he finished and as she struggled through gasps.

"It's stupid, I know" she laughed as he ran his hand gently over the back of her neck in reassurance.

"I know It's hard not to blame yourself and think that how you react determines how this all plays out, but you have to remember that it's not your fault, you're allowed to feel hurt and whatever the repercussions, how you react could never be blamed." he whispered "this is trying for all of us, but none of it is your fault Sam"

"I know and I wish it was that easy Daniel, but I can't help it"

"I know"

---


	23. Chapter 23

It's raining heavily outside the car by the time he leaves her. Janet and Teal'c leave early on in the evening. But Daniel doesn't leave until very late. Uncomfortably late as its late enough for Sam to offer for him to stay but just early enough for him to drive without risking falling asleep at the wheel. She stands at the door, watching as he rushes out to his car in the rain.

The pouring rain provides cover but I'm parked far enough back for him to not notice. I let him leave without following as I watch her seeing him off, she stands out in the shelter of her front veranda for a long time, savouring the smell of the icy rain before turning back inside.

I debate following her in. temptation boiling with the ever present fury inside. There is so much for me to be angry with; but not with her, not now.

I start the car and take a different route. It's much longer but time isn't as important as stealth.

Before long, I find myself parked opposite his building, the rain calmer now but still thick down pour. Strangely this carries the same significants for me as so many operations before this.

Getting to his apartment is easy; it's a basic apartment building with minimal security. Probably something Daniel should have considered before choosing this building given the amount of classified material that makes it to his place.

I don't bother breaking in, I have a key, but I move slowly inside. He's in his bedroom I discover, pulling out fresh clothes to wear to bed, before he goes to the shower that I can hear in the background. He's probably letting it run to heat the pipes up a bit first.

I really don't understand why I'm here. My pulse seems to be masking any rational thought and I know I shouldn't be here. I have to turn back, and just pretend that I'd never come here; and yet I have to press forward.

I ease the door open, grateful it doesn't squeak as I enter his room. He's by his bed, back turned towards me, kicking his shoes off and unbuckling his belt. I don't hesitate.

I should, I really should, but I work with the precision I've been trained with. It takes one shot to his shoulder to take him down. He hits the bed and slides to the floor, shock mostly but sudden pain and the force of the impact helping him down. He's pooling blood by the time I finally move closer. He's known it was me, I can see it in his eyes. But he doesn't scream, doesn't beg, and doesn't try to reason with me. Any one would, he would too; but he doesn't.

His features show no shock, no hatred, and no fear; just compassion.

I should be panicking. I should be beside him putting pressure to his wound. I should be calling Janet.

Before any of that from my conscience and sense of reason, fights past the blind fury; I fire a second shot, a kill shot, between the eyes.

And then I collapse beside him, dropping the gun and pulling his warm but now lifeless body towards me.

His face still shows nothing other then compassion and my fingers tremble with remorse as I cling to his body.

"Daniel!"

I gasp opening my eyes as I shoot up right. I can barely breathe as short gasps struggle to break through my burning chest. Sweat covers my body; I can feel it mostly on my forehead and along my upper lip. I rub my eyes, wiping my mouth and forehead as I look around the room. It's my bedroom, thankfully.

Nightmares like that are enough for any man to question sanity.

I push my heavy covers away, grateful the extraordinarily realistic and frightening dream is over. And then I climb out of bed, straightening my shirt as I do. But then I pause suddenly as I see my hands and the blood smeared over them. I turn around to see my sheets, the pillow speckled with blood. Alarmed, I grab the phone hastily and start dialling.

The phone rings several times without answer until finally I hear his voice.

"Hi, this is Daniel Jackson, I'm not in and chances are I won't be back for a long time. But leave a message with a way to reach you, and hopefully I'll get back to you soon."

I throw the phone on the bed in frustration and sit on back heavily. I can't really have done this, can I?

I pick the phone up again and chance his mobile. It rings twice before I hear a cell phone tone nearby. It's close by towards the front of the house and I know it to be Daniel's. I hang up and it stops. Closing my eyes, I try to remember anything else…details about yesterday… things after being at Daniel's… did I grab his mobile? Did I take it here?

I push myself up and out in search of the phone. I just pass the front door when I hear it unlock and spin around as Sam steps inside. I freeze in panic trying to clue why she's here and then I see shock and concern in her eyes.

"Jack…" she gasps and I stare in confusion "…you're bleeding" she says pointing at my face in explanation and I close my eyes. It can't have been real.

"Sam, I think I've done something really, really stupid" I tell her finally as I step forward and she looks blankly at me, her hands trembling and her features lost.

"Jack, did you just try to call me?" Daniel asks as he steps into view, his eyes on his phone with a creased brow. At the very sight of him, I draw in a deep breath of relief.

"For crying out loud" I laugh stumbling backwards and resting against the wall behind me.

"Are you feeling alright?" Sam asks as Daniel looks towards me.

"What happened?" Daniel stares in confusion, allowing Sam to push past him, her eyes on me with the ever familiar face of concern. I cough, clearing my throat and frown.

"I uh…" I pause looking at Daniel "… had a strange dream"

"Did it involve you head butting your pillow?" Daniel jokes, closing the door behind him

"What are you talking about?" I ask as Sam sits down beside me, opening her handbag. She places her keys in first "Why didn't you guys knock?"

"We did" Daniel smiles "you didn't reply and we knew you were home…" he stops as he notices I'm not listening. The focus of my attention being Sam's hands as she pulls a small pack of tissues out of the little hand bag.

"What are you doing?" I ask her as she pulls one out of the pack and reaches towards my face.

"You have a blood nose Colonel" she tells me as she offers me the tissue, I take it and bring my hand up to my nose wiping away fresh blood.

"Oh" I realise before she pinches the fleshy part of my nose suddenly.

"Ah! Carter!" I manage trying to fight her off only to have her roll her eyes at me

"You stop the blood flow then" she scoffs and wipes her hand with a fresh tissue

"Oh. Sorry Carter…" I smile holding my nose "you just, surprised me"

"What'd you dream about?" Daniel yawnes, changing the topic as he wonders into the lounge room. Sam stays beside me, giving me a strange sympathetic look that I really shouldn't deserve. I should be sympathizing with her not the other way around. At the look of confusion on my face, she smiles shaking her head dismissively and then squeezes my hand. "Jack?" Daniel calls, sticking his head out from around the corner

"Huh?" I ask, sounding a lot more nasal then I would have liked

"Your dream…" he reminds me and I drop my head back against the wall

"It doesn't matter" I tell him, smiling at the way he groans and sits back down in the lounge room. I turn back to Sam who has stood up by now and is straightening her skirt. It's a nice blue one. It's lighter then any shade of blue I've seen on her before and the lace trim exposes her knees just above the high rising boots. My eyes travel upwards to her shirt; it's a long sleeved, white sweater; showing about an inch of navy elastic material underneath it at her hip. My guess is that it's a camisole she wears to bed.

"Why'd you two stop by?" I call out, the question is directed to Daniel but my eyes meet Sam's as I say it. She doesn't register this at first; she's looking at an old picture of Sarah I've managed not to take down.

"Actually…" Daniel speaks as he pushes up from his seat "we wanted to talk to you" he turns the corner again "it's about uh…" he pauses, looking to Sam, her eyes are on her hands now "well it's about me kissing Sam" he finishes and I close my eyes, regretting the question instantly.

"Me" Sam mutters and I look at her, confused

"Huh?" Daniel asks and she looks up at him

"_I_ kissed _you_" she corrects him

"It doesn't matter who initiated it" he tells her looking back to me. This whole situation is one high up on the list of things to never repeat "what matters is that it didn't mean anything… to either of us" he looks to Sam, they share another sympathetic look and I can't help but groan and push up from the floor, still holding my nose.

"Sir…" Sam starts but I'm already shaking my head

"Whatever kids, I don't care" I tell them, hoping it didn't sound as bitter as it seemed to be.

"Jack" Daniel tries but my back is turned as I'm walking back to my bedroom. Foolishly, he's following me; but I hear Sam stop him, muttering some reason behind it. I sit on the edge of my bed waiting for him to win the silent dispute between, but after a while their voices become louder, enough to hear them clearly.

"There's no point!" she snaps at him, her voice still slightly hushed in an attempt to keep me from hearing.

"He's just going to sit in his room mounting his anger and shutting us out until…"

"Daniel!" she hisses "he doesn't want to talk to you" she insists "if anything, you're just pissing him off"

"Sam!" he snaps angrily, there's no real reason to it, he should know she's right "If we don't do something, he probably won't take the medication Janet prescribed"

"We don't know that." she retorts

"Come on! Sam!" he's not bothering to be quiet anymore but she goes quiet because of it. Her voice drops back to a whisper that I can only just barely make out.

"Go home Daniel" She tells him "I'll talk to him." the room is silent again but shortly afterwards, my front door slams and moments later a car drives away before the sound of Sam's heals, coming to find me, breaks the quiet.

I turn around, taking my hand off my nose now. She pauses at the door, leaning her palm against the frame as she peers inside, I bring my eyes up to hers and quirk my eyebrows at her.

"So?"

---


	24. Chapter 24

To Becca.

I have been writing Stargate fanfiction for the better half of two years and I have seen every episode of Stargate SG1 at least twice. I own every season and am WELL aware that Jack could nor would ever do this. This is one of the reasons I have found this story difficult to write. If you had read the story properly you probably would have realised that this story is about that very fact that he has done something UNFORGIVABLE and completely out of character.

I'm actually a Jack/Sam shipper and this is the first story I have ever written for Stargate where anything like this happens. I don't ENJOY rape. I sincerely HOPE I wouldn't. And I really don't appreciate you slandering this fic because you disagree with the concept. We all disagree with the concept and if any of you didn't then I'd be quite disturbed that you were reading this.

In truth I'm only writing this because of the reviews asking that I do so. It is a very difficult topic, but I enjoy a challenge. I hope that there are more people wanting this story to continue then those not. As I'd really rather be writing something a little more pleasant, and I hope I'm not wasting my time and words on this.

This story shouldn't be far off completion; but if those reading it would prefer I not complete it, then I could quite easily move on to one of the many others I have pending.

Cheers

Claire.

P.S. to all the other CONSTRUCTIVE critics reading this; I enjoy reading your reviews, even when they involve nitpicky issues that need changing as it is helpful and the positive feedback spurs me on. Thank you.

Note: if you think this chapter happens to fast… feel free to tell me. I hope it doesn't.

---

"So" Sam mimicked the words of Jack as she pressed on into his room, stopping a few feet away from the bed. Jack dropped his head to his blood smeared hands and sucked in a deep breath of air that seemed to turn into a yawn. "Long night?" she asked avoiding the impending conversation.

"Rough night" he spoke as he reached over to pick up the blood splattered pillow.

"Any idea why your nose bled?" she asked rubbing her hand over her slung shoulder. Jack pulled the pillow case off and bundled it in his fist.

"Not really" he shrugged "probably just age" at this she smiled minutely and stepped forward

"You're not old Jack" she tried wincing at the low groan he made at that.

"You don't need to be here Carter, I understand." He told her looking up at her harshly "I hurt you deeply and you needed someone to turn to who wasn't me" he justified as he stepped past her and into the bathroom to dump the pillow case in the hamper along with his shirt and retrieve a fresh one from the linen cupboard, pausing in front of the sink to wash is hands and face.

"That wasn't it Sir" her words coming from behind his shoulder as she stood in the bathroom doorway.

"Wasn't it?" his eyes not looking up from his hands as he spoke indignantly. Sam closed her eyes wishing she hadn't let Daniel drag her down here.

"Do you want me to leave?" she asked in frustration as he dried his hands on the towel beside her. He was far closer to her now then he really should've been, given everything that had happened. He was angry with her and she knew his temper would still be volatile because of that planet, but she also knew he wouldn't do anything to harm her. As much as what he'd done hurt her, it hurt him greatly.

"Do what you want Carter" his eyes meeting hers now, voice low and icy. Seeing an almost wildness in that look, she gripped the door frame tightly, closing her eyes and willing her self to trust him. She waited for a long while, expecting him to push past her but when she opened her eyes, he was standing in front of her. He's eyes were over her shoulder distantly, he seemed to be half heartedly waiting for her to move out of his way, but more so struggling within himself as his mind was lost in his thoughts.

"Jack, I know this isn't about Daniel and me" she whispered, bringing his attention to her and her lips that had formed the words. His eyes lingered on her lips briefly before meeting her eyes.

"I…" he paused, looking over her shoulder again as he constructed the words in his head and then turned back to meet her gaze again. His features carried remorse heavily as he studied her eyes. She was holding eye contact as best she could, but her vision wasn't set on his eyes, her sight was fractionally off as she too was deep in thought. "I'm sorry" he whispered; bring her attention solely on him. She seemed confused for a moment and then shocked as his hands came up to her face, cupping her cheeks.

"Sir" she spoke pulling her head back but not fighting.

He held his hands there, one gently playing with the short strands around her ear. He closed his eyes regrettably, breathing heavily as he tried to think; but then Sam's lips softly touched his.

She was hesitant at first but as he kissed her top lip gently, she seemed to relax and tilt her head up to him, opening her mouth to his as he pulled her closer. The kiss drew out, unbelievably slow and tenderly. Her uninjured hand falling to his hip as his hands travelled her back, arm wrapping around and gripping her shoulder, the other resting on the small of her back as he pulled her to him. The hand on her shoulder moved to the back of her neck, running his fingers through her short strands, while her hand slid fractionally under the waist band of his track suit pants at his hip; her thumb just barely touching the top of his V line as he kissed her.

Jack started to inch her backwards, his fingertips curling up the base of her sweater as he did.

"Jack" she spoke, breaking from the kiss as the backs of her knees touched the edge of the bed. He pulled back, dropping the hand from her neck to her hip as he did. "Is this really a good idea?" she asked, biting her lip as she brought her hands back to her. He dropped his head sighing. He knew she was right and so he nodded as he let his hands fall to his side. She gently sat down on the edge of the bed, looking up at him.

"I just don't know if I'll be able to cope…"she paused, drawing in a deep breath to keep her emotions at bay.

"It's ok Carter" he smiled, lifting her chin "those regulations forbid it anyway" he joked and she smiled, tilting her head so his hand cupped her cheek again. She sighed closing her eyes as she enjoyed the feel of his warm hand holding her face. Jack let her relish in the feel for a while before sitting down beside her on the edge of the bed. He gently touched her knee as he cleared his throat.

"I think I should put in for a transfer" he told her, not expecting the gasp that brought from her.

"No, sir you don't have to…" she started but Jack shook his head.

"Sam, I do" he insisted "things are never going to be the same because of this, and we're both heading straight for a court martial if I don't." he explained as she gripped the material of his tracksuit pants.

"Jack…" she sighed resting her head on his shoulder "please don't" her bright blue eyes looked up at him pleadingly. He had to force himself to turn away just to muster the strength to reply.

"I'm never going to forget that I raped you Sam" his voice cracking slightly as he tried to keep himself together. "I can never forgive myself and you could never forgive me"

"No Jack" she grasped his hand "I think I could" she whispered while he just laughed a sad laugh and shook his head

"No you couldn't" he sighed, kissing her forehead gently. She exhaled heavily as she flattened her hand out o this thigh.

"What about us?" she asked rubbing her thumb along the material. Jack sat in thought for a long moment, wishing he didn't have to think about this consequence. This ache that he knew would only grow worse if he left. But he hoped one day he could ignore it.

"What about us?" he whispered, keeping his eyes away from her. Her uninjured arm slid around his waist in that moment and he braced himself as her breath tickled the back of his neck.

"I love you" the words whispered softly, sending goose bumps through him as he felt a pinch in his chest and closed his eyes, fighting back the tears threatening to spill. Her lips touched the side of his neck briefly and then she dropped her head, breathing heavily as she tried desperately not to cry. "Please Jack" she almost begged. He closed his eyes building up the strength and then turned towards her quickly, placing his hands on her hips and shifting her further up on the bed.

"Jack" she gasped as he lowered her until she lay flat and he lay on top of her. He lent down, seeking out her lips as he took her into another kiss. Wrapping one hand around her waist and bringing the other up to hold her face. She opened her mouth to him, pressing harder against him as she let herself be consumed by the sensations.

Out of breath, he broke the kiss and dropped his forehead to the pillow beneath her.

"God I love you" he managed to admit between breaths and then started trailing kisses along her neck.

Her hand flattened against his chest suddenly and pushed against him. He froze pushing up to see her face. Her lips were red and her eyes intensely gazing into his. He studied her features for any sign of fear and then her lips quirked into a smile.

"Roll over" she whispered and he frowned but obliged as he rolled onto his back and smiled as she rolled on top of him, kicking her heels off as she stretched her body out over his.

"Let me set the pace" she smiled nervously, kissing him gently and then pulling her skirt up enough to allow her thighs to wrap around his.

"Are you sure?" he asked taking hold of her hand and stroking it tentatively. She drew in a deep breath and smiled softly, nodding and then pulling the sweater over her head to reveal the navy camisole.

"Yeah, I am"


	25. Chapter 25

Some time in the afternoon, Sam was awoken by her mobile ringing. She startled awake and groaned as she heard the tone coming from by her feet. The sky outside the strangely familiar yet unknown windows had just started to darken. She guesstimated that it was a little past six but pushed the thought aside as she slid along the bed and reached down to her feet, intent on retrieving her phone before whoever was trying to reach her, gave up.

"Carter" she spoke, wincing at the sound of her hoarse voice.

"Hey Sam, its Janet" her friend spoke softly as she replied, provoking a relieved smile from Sam.

"Hey Janet" she sighed, falling back against the pillow behind her and turning to see Jack still asleep by her side. She closed her eyes, trying not to think about the inevitable conversation when he woke up.

"Listen Sam, I was thinking… about everything that's been going on, we haven't really had much of a chance to well…" she paused hearing Cassie running through the front door.

"Have a heart to heart" Sam supplied waiting for Janet to tune back in.

"well yeah" Janet agreed meekly while Sam bit her lip pondering over the consequences of what had just happened "It's just, Cassie somehow convinced me to let her have a few friends over and I get the feeling she doesn't want me to stick around for the entire time… so I figured tonight was as good a night as any" Janet explained, unaware that Sam was edging out from under Jacks sheets.

"Um ok, where did you want to go?" Sam's voice muffling, ever so slightly, as she balanced the phone on her shoulder to free up her hands, to pull her underwear on.

"Well this is hardly a bar conversation" Janet winced hoping she wasn't being too forward with the proposal.

"my place then" Sam decided for her as she heard the familiar sounds of her CO stirring and quickly gathered the rest of her clothing and escaped before he caught wind of her leaving.

"Is that alright?" she asked "I mean are you sure you're ok with this?" her voice dropping to a whisper as Sam recognised Cassie nearby asking Janet who she was talking to. Sam finished dressing in the lounge room as Janet dealt with Cassie and then snuck back into the bedroom to retrieve her hand bag from the foot of the bed.

"Sam?" Janet asked listening to Sam's breathing rate drop as she tried to be as quiet as possible.

"Its fine" Sam whispered "I have to go, come over whenever you like" she told her and then hung up and turned towards the exit quickly.

"Who was that?" Jack called from the bed as he sat up, dragging his hand over his face. Sam inwardly kicked herself and turned around just inches from the door.

"Uh, Cassie" she lied, she wasn't sure why but hoped he didn't notice "I have to go" she admitted opening her hands as if to show him physically that she had no better excuse.

"Oh" Jack frowned as he turned to the side of the bed and pressed his feet to the floor, gazing down at his bare toes briefly before looking back up at her. "Are you alright?" he asked, somewhat suspicious of her hasty exit but more concerned then anything.

"Yeah" she smiled half heartedly before biting her lip and taking a step backwards "I should go" her thumb gesturing over her shoulder as Jack picked up his boxers from beside the bed and pulled them on.

"You sure?" his eyes widening as he stood and caught eye contact. It was obvious something was bothering her and he had no problem guessing what.

"Yeah, yeah…" she nodded dropping her eyes from his "I just uh, have to meet Cassie, she's waiting for a lift" she conjured taking another step back as he matched it. His eyes dropped to her hands where she held the phone trembling. She hesitated before looking down at her shaky fingers and then quickly busied her hands by placing the phone away in her purse and half turning towards the door.

"Sorry sir" she winced and then turned fully and began moving to escape quickly.

"Listen Sam…" Jack began as he started to follow her, worried as it was becoming increasingly clear that she held some very strong regrets. Sam opened his front door and was going to keep going, ignoring the nagging desperation of her sense of compassion but it won out and she stopped just outside of his door and turned to face him. He slowed as he caught up and then stepped out to stand in front of her. She waited impatiently as he hesitated, seemingly gathering his thoughts and then smiled and started to turn, stopping once his hand grasped hers.

"Sam, I don't regret it…" he told her, at the confusion on her face he groaned, taking his hand back "I mean… that, just before" he exhaled "You know what I mean…The sex bit" he seemed almost to blush. Sam pulled her handbag over her shoulder, shifting her weight from one foot to the other as she waited expectantly for the rest of what was coming. "I'm kinda hoping you don't either" he laughed but sighed as her features stayed blank. His eyes held with hers as she gritted her teeth trying to hold together. He saw the strain it had on her as she struggled to hold face and then pulled back into a trained military stoic stance. "You said you were ready…" he whispered and she smiled nodding her head as she dropped her eyes from him, tears finally breaking through. She wiped her cheeks embarrassed and he slowly took a step closer "…but I get the feeling you're not" "I know…" she exhaled sharply as she let go and distractedly wiped at her eyes, trying not to look at him "…I don't know why sir… I just can't help feeling like I'm making a big…" his hand gingerly touched her forearm, stopping her as he smiled sympathetically.

"…mistake" he finished and she gasped closing her eyes regrettably, not expecting what happened next. Jack pulled her closer to him wrapping his arms around her tightly.

"Jack…" she struggled to get out

"It's ok Sam" he whispered, rubbing her back gently and then softly kissed her cheek "I get it" he told her sincerely and she smiled pulling back after a long moment.

"I should go" she whispered and he blinked his eyes letting go of her and nodding his head as he smiled "sure."


	26. Chapter 26

Yeah... I meant to post this ages back... but then my net died around the same time all my assignments were due... my apologies.

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Janet glanced at the phone curiously, listening to the dial tone echo from the speakers, thinking it purely unusual behaviour for Sam, though Sam's behaviour couldn't surprise her given everything that had been and was still happening. Janet shook her head, hung up the phone and lifted herself from her living room couch in search of the overexcited teenager she had flippantly cursed at whilst on the phone.

"Cassie?" she called out as she approached the front door where her daughter had run through only moments ago. She waited for a response but instead heard a mass of giggling. She smiled as she opened the front door to see Cassie and her three school friends at the gate, busily dragging overnight bags and plumb pillows across the icy driveway as they seemed to be feverishly discussing everything they had planned for the evening.

"Hi girls!" she called out to the four of them, wondering just what kind of trouble they'd be inadvertently conjuring up with their plans. Cassie looked up at her for only a moment before grasping a large bundle of sleeping bag and hurriedly led her friends into the house.

"Hi mum, bye mum" she laughed as she pushed past with the oversized bundle and raced inside. Janet laughed it off and turned to follow the girls in, stopping only when she heard a faint cough from behind her. Glancing back to the far left of the porch, she found Daniel, leaning against the railing, staring up at the setting sun.

"Oh sorry Daniel, Cassie didn't tell me you were here" she blushed as she walked over to him, wondering just how long he'd been standing on her porch.

"I asked her not to" Daniel replied shortly and then glanced away from the pretty sky to her confused features "I uh just needed some time to think" he explained but frowned as this only served to crease her brow further in confusion.

"Cassie's having a few friends here tonight I see" He quickly changed the subject, provoking a smile from the baffled doctor.

"Uh yeah, it's apparently been her turn to host a sleepover for a while and with me working all the time, she hardly ever gets to have friends over." Janet explained

"So now that you have a day off…" he prompted

"She's taken up the opportunity to hold a 'semi-supervised' sleepover" Janet finished with a smile and then leant against the railing with him.

"You're not supervising them?" He asked, not seeming as interested as his question suggested, in fact seeming more deflated then anything.

"Uh no, I'm going to leave the house to Cassie for a few hours, I'll call to check in on them at some point and I'll be back at the end of the night but Cassie's a smart girl, I'm sure they'll be fine" Janet finished explaining, noting that his mind was definitely elsewhere "what's up?"

Daniel looked up almost startled by the question and took a long moment to consider it before glancing back down at his white knuckles, grasping the rail.

"Uh, besides the obvious?" he joked, dropping his head to one side.

"Are you okay?" Janet's genuine concern managed to strike a note and Daniel's shoulders shook with a great weight. He let a strangled laugh out in pain, trying to ignore the ache inside him and shook his head. The display of obvious anguish that Daniel showed drew a gasp from Janet's lips. She closed her eyes and gently placed a reassuring hand on his closest shoulder.

"Have you eaten yet?" she asked provoking a strange glance

"Uh…" he paused trying to think back over his day, he wasn't sure but he knew he hadn't had anything for a while "No, not yet" he managed to reply, dropping his hands from the rail and bringing one up to take his glasses off.

"Come on then" she smiled "there's a nice quiet Italian diner down the road that should still be open, we can have that talk you wanted to have" she offered, relieving his confusing and prompting a small smile.

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The road was slick. The past few days of what appeared to be, if not a monsoonal downpour, an endless trickling, was now easing up. The streets had become coated in a thin layer of ice, dampened by the bright heat that came with clear skies.

Sam drove with the windows down, letting the chilled breeze wash over her as she seemed to almost speed down the quiet, slippery streets of Colorado Springs. The drive, however, was anything but short; whilst the route was a familiar one and her foot was growing heaver on the accelerator, she was also becoming increasingly reflective and her mind absent. Foolish, she knew, but it couldn't be helped as far as she was concerned. She reasoned that in the midst of what should have been rush hour, the roads were surprisingly empty and she was a skilled driver anyhow.

Curiously, her thoughts were not on Jack for once but instead on Daniel. Janet's proposed heart to heart, she suspected, would be very Daniel centric as she was sure all of this was stirring up Janet's feelings towards the troubled archaeologist. Her precise thoughts were focused on that evening, where Daniel had confessed that while he'd never intended to come close to jumping, he had almost wanted to. He had been driven by his desire to seek out that undiscovered dark part of his subconscious, that part which had pushed him there before, when he was at his lowest, effected by the light. She thought it strange; she had half expected Jack to be the one she find in that situation, given what he'd done to her, Sarah's death and given the state he'd been in after his son had died.

It was growing darker and Sam was still a while off home, she wasn't sure she wanted to go there and deal with Janet's probing. Janet meant well, Janet was just worried about her, only wanting to make sure she was going to come out of this as the same old soldier Sam; but Sam simply couldn't help but want to be alone, she longed for a little piece of nothing, not having to deal with feeling feelings and not having to explain those feelings just to give her worried friends some peace.

She couldn't help but want so desperately to bottle everything inside and pretend that everything was as it always was. She'd let so much of herself out already, wasn't it enough yet? Couldn't they just forget about it? Even now she wished she'd never admitted anything to Janet, never let it slip. Especially now, as she was becoming increasingly aware that Jack seemed to have made up his mind; he was putting in for a transfer, regardless of how things turned out between them.

What happened was a mistake, she was sure of it. Originally she had high hopes, wanting to skip so many of the recovery steps through the act, hoping to wash away the ugliness with something meaningful; and it was meaningful, and tender, beautiful even, but it wasn't quite what she'd hoped. Her anxieties still loomed over her, though she trusted him completely, she knew he too wasn't recovered. There was a darkness to him that wasn't there before and while she hoped it was just in her head, that she was simply seeing him differently because of what he'd done; she was afraid that she wasn't and that he was changed now, for the worse.

There is a park nearby her house; it isn't the sort where children play, but the sort to walk through leisurely. She often liked to run through this park, its vastness and seclusion providing a welcome distraction from the world, for her to run off her problems. She pulled up outside her house, stepping out of the car and walking the short distance with her coat wrapped firmly around her. She cast her gaze over the vast green park momentarily and then dropped her eyes to her shaking hands. She was so tired of this constant ache, she needed to breathe normally, she needed to smile honestly, and she needed to forget.

She drew in a deep breath of the cold air as she let her coat slip off her shoulders until it caught at her bandaged forearm. Taking in the sudden chill, she paused for a moment, considering turning back and heading into her house. She drew in another long deep breath, exhaling slowly as she approached a park chair a few feet to her side and then eased her arms out of the coat completely and placed it lightly on the chair. She sighed and kicked her shoes off, smiling minutely at the feel of crisp icy grass beneath her feet. She closed her eyes, relishing in the sensations and then as she sat down on the cold, damp bench, she opened her eyes again. The sun was setting on the far side of the Park and she found herself saddened by its beauty. She lent back against the bench, thinking over everything; she soon found herself shaking, not from the cold, but from the sickening feeling overwhelming her. Struggling to remain calm, she sunk her hand of her injured arm into her jacket pocket to retrieve her mobile; with her free hand she wiped away tears that had started to soak into her cheeks. She was suddenly and overwhelmingly filled with regret.

She regretted everything; everything she'd said, everything she'd done, everything she let happen. She let her emotions overflow with the regret and just sat there, not caring that she had barely any light left or that the snow was melting into her skirt and her feet were now freezing. She only cared that she had ruined what could have been special, and there wasn't a thing she could do to fix it.

Flipping open her phone, she keyed in a message that read: 'Sorry Janet, not tonight… I'm tired' and then after sending it, she gathered her things and headed inside.

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After Sam left, Jack lay back in bed for a while. He had stayed there, staring up at the ceiling for a long time, feeling terrible about wishing he hadn't slept with her. They'd moved too fast, she wasn't ready, hell, he hadn't even forgiven himself, how could he possibly expect her to have gotten over it.

The longer he lay there, the more he hated himself, for everything he'd done. How could he have been so stupid, so careless, and so rash? He'd made too many mistakes, alien influence or not, he'd fucked up, big time.

After losing Charlie he started losing the ability to care, to feel, to love. He stopped knowing what to say to Sarah, he stopped knowing how to ignore her blame; he stopped knowing how to treat her and how to help her through her pain. Sarah was right to blame him; Charlie's death was his fault, an accident he could have prevented. Charlie's death had made him numb and he stopped knowing how to love her.

He had never thought he could love again; if it wasn't for Daniel pulling him out of the hole of depression, he probably wouldn't have even noticed Sam. But when he did, he really did. From the moment he laid eyes on her, he had affection for her. With time that affection grew to an unbearable point. But now he couldn't do anything about it. His behaviour has resulted in losing Sam, just like Sarah. Two phenomenally different situations with exactly the same result. Only Sam wasn't dead, at least not physically. He doubted she felt anything other then pain right now, because of him. Just like Sarah.

Pulling him self out of bed, he stumbled towards the kitchen and fished a bottle from his cabinet, he didn't bother to read the bottle, he didn't care what he drank, he only cared that it was full. He resolved to deal with this issue the only way he really knew how, by making alcohol help him forget. He stumbled back into the bedroom, flicked on his bedside lamp and sat on the floor; bring the bottle, of what he now read to be Bourbon, to his lips and drew in his first big gulp.

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On base, Teal'c sat in Daniel's lab with the lights dimly lit. An obstruction of his privacy, he knew, but he doubted Daniel would mind. He held a USB that he'd kept for a few years now. On the USB was the only copy of a video file, security footage that Hammond asked him to keep, refusing to watch it himself. Teal'c had only watched the footage once, having seen it already in person. But with everything that had been happening, he felt compelled to watch it again. Daniel's computer recognised the USB immediately, allowing Teal'c to open the file with ease.

The footage started to play and he held his breathe as he watched Anise strap Jack to the chair, readying him for retesting. This time his eyes fell upon Sam, he could just see her through the observation room glass, but he instantly recognised her stance. She was nervous, but somehow he knew it wasn't because they were seeing if he was a Zatark, he knew it was more hope, anxious hope that he was going to admit what she wished he'd admit. After a few questions Jacks eyes began flicking up to hers, and the questioning became more detailed. He waited silently until Jack spoke the line he knew Sam would never forget: "I care about her, a lot more then I'm s'posed to'. He paused the footage there and looked closely at Jack's features. Letting out a deep sigh Teal'c closed his eyes and resolved to try and forgive Jack for this betrayal against Sam.

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The diner was empty, bar a sullen looking man sharing a pizza with a young boy who looked very bored; and a plain faced, overweight woman sitting in the back with only a piece of pumpkin pie as company. Daniel sat at a table close to the door, but not so close that they would be disturbed by people entering or leaving the diner. Janet eased into the chair opposite him and, after placing her bag down on the floor, crossed her arms in front of her and looked to him expectantly.

"Should we order drinks?" Daniel asked, avoiding the expectant look by picking up a menu.

"You'll have coffee" she spoke, placing her hand gently on the menu so that he put it down flat on the table between them.

"Food then?" He smiled cautiously and slipped the menu out from under her hand. A pretty blonde girl who looked about 17 skipped over, chewing gum loudly and pulled a note pad out from under her arm.

"You guys wanna order yet?" she asked cheerfully and Janet smiled at her

"Bring us a pot of coffee, we should be ready to order our meals when you get back" Daniel told her in an impartial tone that reflected nothing of his mood. The girl nodded before rushing off to make a fresh pot. Daniel went to open the menu but hesitated and placed the menu back onto the table.

"Alright" he cleared his throat, bringing Janet's attention back from watching the waitress leave, to him "I wanted to talk in person, because I wanted to apologise" Daniel admitted. Janet paused, thinking over his statement for a moment and then smiled as she realised "I don't really know what came over me…" Daniel began but stopped as Janet placed her hand over his gently.

"You don't need to apologise Daniel" she smiled "I understand; you didn't mean it" she assured him "actually, if anything I should be apologising for thinking it was you". Daniel smiled and turned his hand over so that their palms were touching.

"It was an honest mistake Janet, I don't hold it against you" he smiled as Janet's eyes fell to their hands. Daniel watched her pupils dilate and her head tilt to the left before looking up, not to his eyes, but to his lips, for a very brief moment, she dragged her tongue over her bottom lip and then exhaled heavily, pulling her hand away from his and looking back over to the waitress who was now bringing the coffee.

"I hope you like it strong" she smiled as she placed a tray down with the pot of coffee, two mugs and a small pitcher of cold full cream milk "Any idea's on what you want to eat?" she asked once she'd placed it down.

"Uh…" Daniel thought "You wouldn't happen to do a steak burger would you?" he asked grabbing the coffee pot and pouring it into one of the mugs.

"We sure do" she smiled scrawling the order down on the page "fries or salad?" she then asked after writing down the abbreviations. Daniel glanced over to Janet and out of fear of incurring a lecture on eating habits, he responded with 'salad'. "And you ma'am?" she asked turning to Janet

"The Tortellini with a garden salad side dish" she smiled and the waitress winced "We've actually run out of the Tortellini pasta, but the chef's 5 dollar special today is a really nice Ravioli dish, can I get you that instead?" she asked hopefully. Before Janet could reply, she felt her bag vibrate beside her foot and simply nodded to the waitress before bending down to retrieve her mobile. The waitress grinned and then skipped off to give the order to the chef, leaving Janet to read her message. Janet sighed, deflated after reading the message.

"SGC?" Daniel hazard a guess and Janet shook her head

"Sam. She's cancelled our evening plans" she explained "She's going to bed early"

"That's where you were going" Daniel stated as he brought his mug up to blow on the hot fluid.

"Yeah, I wanted to talk to her about… everything." She smiled as she tucked her mobile back into her bag and then poured her own mug "Cassie won't mind too much though"

"Well…" Daniel spoke up "You know, you're always welcome at my house", Janet almost blushed "I mean, we haven't really talked, and I'm sure you're just as confused and frustrated with everything as I am. We could talk a bit about everything at my apartment; at least until you think Cassie's had enough unsupervised fun. " Janet thought about the suggestion briefly as she blew on her own steaming mug. Her eyes flicked up to his and she found his eyes on her lips. She smiled and placed down her mug.

"Thankyou Daniel, I'd like that."

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	27. Chapter 27

Cassie found herself forced into the back of the couch as far as she could physically manage, clinging to the throw rug for dear life.

Beside her, crammed into the same three person couch were her three school friends, each peeking up at the TV screen, afraid to look and yet unable to look away.

It was the inevitable horror film climax, the lone surviving character, inches from safety and yet even closer to death as they crawl through the darkness in utter trepidation. The undead creatures breathing echoes through the room and then sudden shrill screams escape the characters and all four girls mouths simultaneously, as the creature pounces.

Once the climatic fight had ended and the movie wrapped up, the girls ejected the film and switched on the lights, shaking and laughing at each other over the lunacy of their fears.

In mid post movie conversation, Cassie paused, wondering exactly what time it was. She glanced over into the kitchen and read '8:47' on the microwave display. She sighed, expecting her mother to have, at the very least, called by now and then she quietly parted from the group in search of the house phone, intent on checking up on her curiously tardy mother.

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It was late by the time Daniel and Janet had finished their meals and gotten back to Daniels apartment. Daniel had ushered Janet into his lounge room with his hand subtly pressed against the small of her back.

Janet hadn't thought much of the gesture at the time but now as they stood on Daniels balcony, looking out over the night life of Colorado Springs, sipping hot coffee and simply talking, she began to wonder if there wasn't more to his light touches and lingering glances.

It was cold out up here and so it seemed natural and comfortable to lean against each other, soaking up each other's warmth, but Janet couldn't help but wonder and even silently hope that Daniels gaze falling to her lips frequently was out of a desire to kiss them and not because they were turning blue.

Her breath hitched as he licked his lips and placed his left hand on her right shoulder.

"Are you alright?" he asked interrupting her unprofessional line of thought, bringing her attention back up to his eyes to read evident concern "you look flushed"

"Uh, do I?" she asked looking away from him sheepishly, feeling her checks warming with embarrassment.

"Do you want to get out of the cold?" Daniel spoke letting his hand slide from her shoulder across and down to just between her shoulder blades. The action spread warmth across her back and brought them another inch closer. She could feel his hot and surprisingly fresh coffee scented breath against her cheek.

"It's not really the cold that's bothering me" she smiled, unconsciously bringing her left hand up to push a thin strand of hair behind her ear while staring appreciatively at his chest. Daniel's hand now dropped to her waist as he gently turned her towards him prompting her to look up and see the flattered grin he had planted upon his lips. Janet couldn't help but role her eyes at him and bring the now warm coffee in her right hand up to drink, distracting him from the apparent obvious effect he was having on her.

"come on, I'll make a fresh pot" he insisted as he brought his hand back from where it rested on her waist to his side and turned back towards his balcony door, pulling and holding the door open for her to step in before him. She smiled, graciously accepting the kind gesture and moved to place her mug down on his coffee table before snuggling down into the inviting soft warmth of his couch.

Daniel pointed towards the kitchen, raising his eyebrows at her as if to ask if she wanted another cup and she shook her head, allowing him to leave the task for later and to sit beside her, placing his own mug down as he did.

"So…" Daniel spoke, rubbing his cold hands together "was I good company?" he asked, not really having anything else appropriate to say.

"Over dinner?" she asked clarifying his question, when he nodded she smiled placing her hand on his "it was lovely"

"Well…" he coughed clearing his throat and looking down at her hand resting over his "I'd like to uh…" his voice started trembling now "I mean if you would like to…" he brought his eyes up to hers "… we could do this again, sometime?" he smiled nervously and Janet seemed only to stare at him in amazement for what seemed like forever before she finally shook herself from her shock and smiled brightly up at him.

"Definitely" she grinned, squeezing his hand in reassurance. Daniel drew in a deep breath and spread a confident smile across his face.

Janet again rolled her eyes at the poor archaeologist and reached for the coffee on the table but was stopped as Daniel's hand touched her cheek, bringing her attention back to him as he studied her facial features as if searching for permission. Janet followed his gaze drop from her eyes to her lips once again and couldn't help but start to blush, licking her bottom lip and letting out a drawn out exhale.

Daniel leant down and in, stroking her cheek softly with his thumb as he brought his hand around to cup her face and then closed the rest of the distance, pressing his lips to hers softly, cautiously at first until she pursed her lips against his, inviting the intimate gesture, parting her lips slightly, allowing him to deepen the kiss.

Janet pulled Daniel closer just as he began to pull away, needing their lips to remain locked as she felt her pulse quickening and her breath growing hot and heavy with desire. Daniel reacted by bringing his free hand behind her back, pulling her closer but at the same time lowering her until she was pressed against the cushions behind her as they began feverishly tugging at each others clothing, seeking the warmth of hot bare skin.

Just as Daniel had slipped a hand up the back of Janet's shirt and Janet had started pulling his sweater up, Janet heard her bag vibrating from behind the cushion she was pressed into.

They both froze and Janet cursed bitterly inside her head as they broke the kiss. She reached over her head digging her hand into her bag and fishing out the pestering phone that appeared to be ringing.

"Hello?" she sighed into the mobile as Daniel slid his arm out from under the back of her shirt.

"Mum?" Cassie demanded from the other end of the line "why haven't you called? It's almost nine."

"Oh, sorry Cassie" Janet winced looking at her watch "I guess I lost track of the time, I'll be home shortly" she promised and Cassie hesitated.

"Well you don't have to rush, I mean we're okay here, I was just… worried" Cassie explained

"Awe, well thank you for your concern Cassie, I'll be home really soon" Janet assured her "and I expect whatever mess you girls have made to be gone before I get there" Janet added grinning at the groan that brought about "oh and Cass…"

"Yeah" Cassie waited impatiently for another chore.

"I love you" Janet smiled looking up at Daniel who seemed a bemused mix between frustrated and curious.

"I love you too mum" Cassie replied but before she hung up she made one little tiny demand "Oh bring home ice-cream, pleeeeeaaaase." She quickly pleaded "love you, bye" and then hung up before Janet could respond.

"You've got to go?" Daniel asked pushing back to lift his weight off of her.

Janet bit her lip looking up at him guiltily "I'm sorry" she winced as she dropped the phone into the bag behind her.

"No, Its okay" he shook his head "You can't leave them alone" he smiled, sitting back and letting her get up.

She quickly gathered her things and readjusted her clothing as Daniel slowly stood from the couch. Once she'd gathered everything she turned back towards him and smiled up at him expectantly.

"So…" he spoke running his hand through his hair "Dinner?" he asked smiling down at her.

"Tomorrow at 7, ok with you?" she asked, grinning back at him as he straightened his sweater and prompted a grin in return.

"I'll make reservations somewhere" he agreed and then leant in to give her a short sweet kiss goodbye "drive safely" he squeezed her arm and frowned as he expected her to leave but instead received an amused and expectant look. "What?" he asked genuinely confused.

"We came here in your car" she explained, grinning childishly.

"Oh crap, right" he slapped himself lightly "Sorry, I'll just grab my jacket and keys" he apologised and then hurried off into the kitchen, leaving her to watch him go, shaking her head at him.

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9: 32 flashes on the digital alarm clock beside my bed where I now lay, curled on my side clutching the bottle and pillow to my chest as I rethink that night. I close my eyes and the first images I see are of her breasts, naked before me. The first image is from today, she's on top, taking control. Her eyes are open, staring down at me as she moves. I lift my hand and touch her cheek. She closes her eyes and kisses my hand softly, relishing in the sensations.

The second image inevitably comes from that night on the planet. Again her breasts are exposed, her arms up above her head and my hand firmly clasped over her mouth. I'm on top this time, pinning her down heavily. I'm pushing her into the ground so forcefully that I expect her to break. Expect her perfect body to shatter like porcelain under my weight. But she's soft and supple, only bruising instead. My eyes are closed as I force myself inside her, I can only just hear her muted cries under my hand as I thrust. In my head I'm not there, it isn't happening, it's not even her. In my head I'm not thinking, just acting and can't stop. I grip her shoulder for leverage, needing to go deeper. I let go of her mouth and she pleads with me to stop, whispering in my ear, desperately.

I roll onto my back, staring up at the ceiling, trying to push the nightmarish memory back from the forefront of my mind. Wishing it was only a nightmare, wishing I hadn't been capable of that, wishing I hadn't been capable of hurting anyone that way, especially Sam.

I sigh heavily, bringing the bottle to my lips and draining another mouthful out of it. I swallow down the sweet liquor bitterly, as I try to remember the rage that had been boiling inside me. I didn't care about anything that day, emotionally stripped by the morning's news, only angry and frustrated. I wanted to get off that planet and stop having to act like I was fine. I thought I had been handling it ok but something about that planet just fuelled my anger and clouded my judgement. My thoughts were becoming increasingly irrational and then when Sam brought up… Charlie… I snapped. All my anger turned to her. I wanted to shoot her, wanted any excuse to shoot something. But then in looking at her, glaring, I saw those features, beautiful features. I wanted her, desperately. I needed to satisfy a long standing hunger for her body and in my irrational state, I wasn't going to let her stop me.

I sit up, feeling dizzy, my room spinning in my peripheral vision as I try to focus on something solid. My feet find the floor and I push up off the bed, slowly standing as I swallow back a wave of nausea. I stumble towards the bathroom and look into the mirror at myself. I stand leaning against the doorframe, drunk, holding a partially empty bottle in my hand and staring into my eyes, wondering where the monster inside them came from. Surprisingly the worst of all of this wasn't on that planet, but on base, in the observation room. Janet had looked up at the glass even though the room was supposed to be empty and I'd instantly known it was Carter. I walked in, not to confront her, but to apologise, as feeble of an attempt that it would have been. Still affected by that planet, I had actually hoped she would be ok, that she would just be pissed at me and that I could apologise and we'd simply stop speaking to eachother for a while until we fell back into the routine and forgot all about it. But when I'd caught her hiding from me, frightened beyond belief, I'd wanted to shoot myself then and there.

Today, I hoped, was a sign of change, of forgiveness. I'd hoped that what we shared meant the trust was back and we could both start to move on and forget about it. But then seeing the look of regret on her face when she was leaving this evening shattered those hopes. Today has been a very long, emotionally draining day.

I go to lift the bottle back up to my lips, intent on guzzling down more poison but hesitate looking at the volume of fluid left. I've been a drunk. Who knows what emergency might go down at the base that I would be called in for. I'd be discharged on the spot if any of them knew the gravity of my behaviour lately. I'm a drunk and rapist, a monster disguised as a soldier. I hurt everyone I love, making it impossible to feel anything. I'm numb to the world, reckless and resentful.

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Sorry this has been so insanely late... I actually wrote this much ages ago but had intended to include a little piece on Sam in this chapter... but have decided to post this much now and include the Sam piece in the next chapter... provided there are still people interested in this story. Many thanks to all those who have been patiently waiting on my extraordinarily tardy posts. I apologise profusely.


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